August 28, 2008

Argument with a Stranger

I was walking down the street and I saw a guy wearing a business suit, complete with DNC buttons and paraphernalia. I saw him look me up and down, then he approached me. This is a dramatization of the conversation:

Guy: Hey, buy me a burrito?
Me: What?
Guy: (points at burrito cart) Buy me a burrito...they're only $3.
Me: I don't think so.
Guy: Aw, c'mon...they're only $3.
Me: I'm not buying you a burrito.
Guy: Why not?
Me: It's my money and I don't want to. Buy your own burrito.
Guy: (growing agitated) I don't have money. I got drunk last night and lost my wallet. I'm waiting until my flight back to Miami. (shows plane ticket)
Me: Sell your ticket and buy yourself a burrito.
Guy: Then how will I get home?
Me: Not my problem. (keeps walking)
Guy: So you won't buy me a burrito?
Me: No. (keeps walking)
Guy: (turns in other direction, walks, and shouts) You say you support Obama, but you don't live it...
Me: (goes to Starbucks and spends hard-earned $3 on self)

Crazy Coworker-ism of the Day

While bitching about some of the admins:

"They should go and have some kids so they're not so immature."



Kids: Solving the World's Immaturity Problem

August 27, 2008

The Army of Cats Take on a Bug

I learned a lesson last night.

Just because you get a large free Starbucks drink, it doesn't mean you should drink all of it.

After work, I happily skipped to a Starbucks to use my $2 drink coupon. I ordered a medium iced caramel latte.

However, the barista asked, "How would you like a free large caramel macchiato instead? We messed up the drink order of someone else..." I thanked them profusely and skipped happily out of there.

And. Drank. It. All.

Within a two hours, I had the runs (TMI, sorry). Within nine hours, I still couldn't fall asleep.

I don't know the meaning of "moderation".

August 25, 2008

I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say

that Dodo is a fucking psychopath sent from Hell by the Devil himself as some form of punishment or threat.

Seriously.

So, I clipped all the cats' nails tonight (which comes out to be, oh, about 3.4 million nails). While clipping a cat's nails, you can pretty much guarantee they'll squirm around, maybe even lash out at the clippers.

Dodo? She squirmed a whole lot, which isn't unexpected. But then she turned to me with her eyes all crazy-dialated (I HATE when she does that), looking like some crackhead with a knife that you've just stumbled across in a dark alley. So she turns to me, SCREAMS, and takes a swipe at my FACE! I couldn't fucking believe it. Not once, but twice, she ignores my hands (what any normal cat would go for), and instead tries to go for my fucking eyes.

Insane cat. I'm serious. Kort and I deduced that Scar Cat was really some 20s gangster reincarnated as a cat due to his shitty karma.

Dodo, however, I think MUST be some kind of reincarnation of a straight-jacket-wearing, asylum-living serial killer. That's the only logical explanation.

Exhibit A:

Her creepy eye-dialation trick:


::stands over cat, throwing down water:: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!!

(And my farts smell like a skunk, which makes this night all the more surreal.)

On the bright side of internet dating

I'm holding out hope for the single dad guy. I've been emailing with him (via POF) quite a bit and he seems pretty cool. We're interested in a lot of the same books, authors, and music and have plenty to talk about. So that's pretty cool.

It's another Josh, though. If I were to start seeing him (I'm just sayin'!), that would bring my total number of Joshes to four. I've taken to calling them by their last names: Bowers and Croman. If I end up meeting this fourth Josh, I will do the same with him.

Also, there are a lot of guys on that site who have contacted me. So I would think statistically there must be at least one or two guys who are NOT douches, yes?

You want to hear about my date-ish occasion?

The guy was so laughably douche-y it was unbelievable.

Here's the deal: this is a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. We had chatted a bit online, texted a bity by phone, and finally decided to meet on Saturday night. He's fresh from Vegas and is into beer, heavy metal, and fairly well-spoken. Plus, he looked pretty cute in his photos.

So, I met Douchey-Yuppie (Adam, for short) at the train station and walked over to Falling Rock with him, to meet up with Kort and Sean. Along the way, we chatted a bit and he seemed nice enough. But over the course of the night, his inner douche-yuppie side came out. Here are some tidbits:

- Talked about his $2,200 pool cues, talked about his red BMW, talked about the super expensive cabinets in his aunt and uncle's 3,200 sf house, talked about how his uncle makes about $200K a year, talked about how his dad makes over $100K a year but lives in a crummy apartment because he's a minimalist, talked about how he is used to spending hundreds of dollars on a bottle of wine at a club and how that's the only way to get a chick to pay attention to you, talked about his super expensive pool table...and so on. (To have this guy bragging about money to impress me was just hilarious.)

- Told a story about how he almost hit a black guy with his "bright red BMW" and his friend shouted out the window, "Get out of the fucking road, Kunta Kinte!" Adam was worried he would have to fight the black guy because of his friend...but he didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that his friend was being a racist douche in the first place.

- While I was (hurriedly) walking him back to the train station, we passed a middle-eastern man wearing a turban and holding his young daughter's hand while crossing the street. Adam looked back and then talked about how he checked out the guy to see if he had anything strapped to him and how he might blow something up and how you can never be too cautious. I told him that was a huge generalization that is completely untrue and that all I saw was a dad crossing the street with his daughter.

- He actually BITCHED about how conscientious Denver is about drunk-driving. He said, "In Vegas, EVERYONE drives drunk...that's just how it is. Here, you have to find a designated driver and all this shit."

- He acted worried about going into the "rough part of town." Um, we were in Lodo, which is where I work and where A LOT of young people hang out at night (where all the bars and clubs are). I had to explain that the buildings were historic, which is why it doesn't look as well-kept and new.

- He also bitched about not only having to smoke outside, bitched about the service at Falling Rock, bitched about pretty much everything.

- Talked about himself ALLLLLLLLLL night. The only question I can recall him asking about me was "Do you have any more tattoos?"

- Talked about how much he hated--yes, HATED--kids and how they are all ugly and all they do is shit and whine and bawl and eat. Um, keep in mind that my profile--if he cared to read it--says that I DO have a kid.

It was pretty hilarious. I was rolling my eyes throughout much of the night and finally got rid of him around 9:30 or 10:00. He gave me a big hug and texted me the next day to tell me he had a great time. I won't be replying.

Internet dating: 0 for 3

(The other 2 were from earlier in the year: one was the douche-y fireman who called me a whore or something ("but I don't mean it in a bad way") and didn't understand why I wouldn't see him after that. The other was the guy who seemed pretty cool all night, I even made out with him, but then he wouldn't shut up about everything that was bad about himself and wrong with his life...wah wah wah. I think once I hit five or ten bad internet date-ish occasions, I will call it quits.)

August 22, 2008

Three Early Morning Dating-Life Items

- Pretty much "broke up" with Daniel this morning. I've decided that I like who he could be, but not who he is right now. There are/were lots of moments when he was really awesome and well-spoken and funny and whatnot. But he's still too young to really embrace that part of himself just yet.

- "Met" (lots of quotes this morning) a guy on Plenty of Fish that may be cool. He's a single dad with full custody of his daughter, as well as being a musician. I think I would like to try dating a single dad...just to see what it's like. He's pretty funny, mentioning that he has Hannah Montana on his iPod and he can braid hair really well.

- I was talking to another guy via IM last night. It was a fun, light-hearted conversation, all about our interests, what makes us nerdy, where we're from, etc. And then as if he suddenly transformed at 10:00 p.m., he became a sex fiend. He asked if I am into racy photos. I replied "Only if I actually know the receiver" or something like that. So he sent pics to me. One of the pics he sent was a naked girl giving him a blowjob. Um, thanks? I got bored really quickly with him trying to turn the conversation into cyber-sexy-time.

August 20, 2008

Contestant #1 on Plenty of Fish

I've been IMing with a guy from Las Vegas who is in Denver to pursue a business degree.

He. Uses. Correct. Spelling. And. Grammar.

I don't know when that became such a bonus for me, but it is. And though he looks super-clean-cut, he's actually a metal-head who prefers beer bars to clubs. I'm not into metal, but I appreciate it more than rap/pop/hiphop/country. So that's another bonus.

Anyhow, he just texted me to chat and wants me to show him around Denver. He said (after we talked for a while about things to do in Denver) that usually people just give him the name of a bar or two and that's it. But he likes that I have a TON of ideas and they're all pretty unique and/or interesting.

Sooooo...I guess this guy is on my list of "potential guys to meet."

Update:

I may have a date-ish with this guy this weekend. We're still solidifying plans.

When I asked if he had weekend plans, he said he hoped a cute-looking girl would show him around the city. I replied that I can be cute at times.

I'm a Jerk: Part 3,000

Project Manager: I have a question. Is our--
Kelli: (shakes head)
PM: No? You don't even know what I'm going to ask...
Kelli: Yes, I do.
PM: What then?
Kelli: 'Is our--?' That's it. It was a really vague question. You really should work on clarification in the future.

PM laughed his ass off.

New Apartment

So, here's my little kitchen that I love. It's nearly all unpacked, but still not really organized or decorated:


And because I don't have a dining room table:

One thing I like about PlentyofFish.com...

You can see exactly who is viewing your profile and how often.

No chance of secret-stalking here.

On a side note, there's a cute dude who lists on his profile to "not even bother contacting him if you have kids." Um, okay. Whatever. But I noticed this dude checks out my profile a lot. Like, each time I log on (every couple of days), he's one of the last people to view my profile. (And yeah, my profile mentions that I have a kid.)

There are about 2.5 million wieners in Colorado. No need to settle on some jackass.

August 19, 2008

I will be wrapping things up with Daniel.

He's been pissing me off lately, and well, that's the beauty of just dating.

On Friday, we texted a bit and it went a lot like this:

Daniel: what you doing?
Kelli: Hanging at a bar
Daniel: I'm bored, but I don't have any gas to go anywhere.
Daniel: what you doing now?
Kelli: Hanging at a different bar
Daniel: I'm bored.
Daniel: Want to come over?
Kelli: No, too drunk to drive.
Daniel: Fine. I'll just be bored then.
Kelli: Okay, have a nice night.


Then on Saturday, I texted to see if he wanted to hang out at my place with Kort and myself. He didn't respond until midnight.

On Sunday, I finally went to his place to hang out for a bit, show my new hairdo. He then told me of how he got :insert stoner voice: sooooooo wasted on Tuesday night that he punched someone out for no reason...didn't even know them. He and his friends then went to fight another group of guys who had been hassling his friend and so on.

Umm....is that supposed to be funny? I kept asking, "So why would you punch someone for no reason?" "Because I was so wasted...I don't even know." Right. After he finished telling this story, he said, "I bet you think I'm really stupid, huh?" I said, "Hmm...I don't know. I'm going home" and left.


On Monday, he sent a text, followed by some other text that I didn't get. When he followed up with "Fine. We don't have to talk then." I replied, "I was in a meeting." Which I was.

We haven't talked since and I don't even care. I have a tendency to focus on the good parts of someone, but when their bad side becomes overwhelmingly stupid and immature, I just can't ignore it. Throw in the fact that we're both really busy now and he never has money for gas to leave his house...and well, no sex is worth that effort.

Oh yeah. THIS is why I shouldn't delete phone numbers.

Just got a text from a number I must have deleted: "How have you been? Miss chatting with you."

The area code is from Atlanta, but I can't remember who I've known/dated that lived there.

How rude would it be to write back and say, "Um, who the hell is this?" Or should I just play along and see if I can figure it out? I guess that's kind of risky, though.

New rule for the future: only delete numbers if the person is dead.

Feeling boyish today.

So, I'm dressed in kind of standard Kelli-attire: brown cords, blue shirt over a white l/s shirt. With long, curly hair, this look is super cute and casual.

However, with short hair, I feel really boyish. I don't want to have to dress girly all the time to compensate for this. A coworker even commented (jokingly) that I look like a little boy today, aside from my boobs (to which the Whistler, who was standing nearby, blushed and stuttered).

I like my hair and I know it'll take a bit of time to get back to feeling normal. But I just feel so boyish right now.

August 18, 2008

I've gotten this exact comment from four coworkers:

"I wish I was ballsy enough to cut my hair like that." These are all women with long hair too.

I didn't even think of cutting my hair as "gutsy" or anything...spontaneous, hell yeah. But not really brave or anything.

In any event, I'm loving and hating all the attention at the same time.

The Haircut and Other Excitement...

Friday: picked up Kort, went to Aveda salon. We had a blast cutting my hair, and I'm pretty sure the stylist thought we were "together". She kept asking if I would cry when she cut it. I assured her that no, I wouldn't. However, Kort did cry a tad. Of course.






After leaving, we went to FR for dinner. I was wearing a hat (because I was still shy about the new 'do), but AS SOON as we walked in, I heard a shout, "KELLI! DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!" It was ________ (cue sigh). He made me take the hat off and immediately waxed poetic about how great it looked. We sat in the booth and ALL night, _________ kept sitting by me, talking to us, playing with my hair, commenting on it. He even said he liked it better than the long hair. Apparently, whenever I would go to the bathroom, he'd sit and talk with Kort about me. I think the initial awkwardness has worn off, because we did chat a lot. And Kort cried some more.



OOH! One kind of awkward thing, though. At one point, he grabbed my camera to look at the pictures on it. I let him, forgetting that it had a bunch of pictures of Daniel, me and Daniel, Daniel at my house, etc. To his credit, __________ didn't say anything about it...just continued commenting on the photos. He even said, "Is this your kid?!" on a pic of Kayden... "He's cute."

Soooooo...that was that. I've really downplayed the whole _________ thing since the brouhaha...but you guys should know I'm still pretty much whooped over him. There were a couple things _________ said on Friday night that makes me think something may start up with him again... I would like this, but I think I'll have the same struggles: only being able to see him in the middle of the night, maybe once a week. We're not going to the bar that much anymore so it would probably be even less. However, I now know we wouldn't ever be more than fuckbuddies, so it would be a question of whether I wanted that.

Anyhow, that was that. Kort and I left, went to a hippie bar, met a group of guys, left there, crashed at her place.

Saturday: was. so. lazy. It was raining like crazy, but Kort and I walked around nonetheless. We went to my place to medicate Scar Cat, laid around, watched Metalocalypse, went downtown and to a Vietnamese restaurant and the library, went to my place, took a nap, watched Rocky Horror Picture Show, laid around, etc.






Sunday: took Kort to her mom's, went to see Daniel (who wasn't quite as crazy about my hair as ________ was), got annoyed with Daniel and left after only about two hours (see other post), went home, watched documentaries (re: Atlantis and Columbine) while cleaning, picked up Kort, went downtown. We stopped at the skate park for a bit and watched the skater boys.


Then we went to the drum circle for a bit, then headed back to my place, played a few rounds of Tekken, then watched Penn & Teller's Bullshit until we fell asleep.

Overall, good weekend but very, very non-productive and lazy. ::sigh::

August 15, 2008

I feel like I'm starting over.

Re: the dating world.

Aside from Daniel (who is about to be dropped, as well), I'm not seeing anybody. I haven't felt like going out and meeting new guys. I'm just disappointed with all the dudes thus far.

Sooooo...I cleared out my phonebook. Completely. All my old numbers are gone (aside from friends and family). All the guys I've met, dated, slept with, planned to sleep with, everyone. Allllllllll gone. Even ________, if you can believe it.

I'm now in the mood to meet some new guys. I'm going to start fresh with new 'do and see where it takes me.

I think Daniel is freaking out about my hair.

Yesterday I sent a message saying something goofy like, "Would you still like me with short hair?" He replied that he would like me with no hair. I told him I was going to cut my hair soon.

Daniel: You really gonna cut off your hair?

Kelli: Yeah...lol, you thought it was just a theoretical question?

Daniel: Why?

Kelli: Because I get bored with the same hairdo and I'm ready for a change. Plus I love the hairstyle I'll be getting. Are you only okay with short hair in theory but not in reality?

Daniel: How short?

Kelli: Really short. Like a couple inches long. Are you going to be okay? Would you like to keep the hair I cut off?

Daniel: I just can't see you with short hair...


I'm going to cut it regardless of what he (or anyone) thinks. But I think it's funny that he's suddenly really concerned for my hair.

Holy crap! Re: online dating.

Last night, while bored, I signed up for both Match and Plenty of Fish, created a profile, added a pic, whatever.

Today, I logged onto my email to discover:

On POF:
Three guys added me as a favorite
Four guys sent me a message on POF
2 guys emailed me at yahoo

On Match:
2 guys messaged me on Match
4 guys "winked" at me
2 emailed me at Yahoo

And I have one dude IMing me right now.


Okay. So I may have judged these sites a little too soon...

August 14, 2008

Sometimes I wish I went into Art History.

I absolutely love English, but I feel so unqualified for any kind of writing job out there.

However, I would be able to rock an art museum tour.

I checked with the Denver Art Museum to see what kind of positions they offer. Um, none. They said the next course to become a docent is in 2012 and there is a waiting list just to be a volunteer.

Not impressed with Match.com

I signed up (but didn't subscribe for all the features) and browsed the Colorado guys.

My initial reaction is not very positive. For starters, almost all the dudes I clicked on listed "no kids, never married" as their ideal. Moreoever, they all seem alike: super-jock-ish, clean cut, looking for the same girl...in other words, boring.

Should I not judge the site so quickly?

Update:

A friend just referred me to Plenty of Fish. I signed up, created a brief profile, and within two minutes, I was getting IMs. That's impressive. And I like that you can see who has been looking at your profile.

Oh gag.

Crazy Coworker's thing for Daniel is getting annoying.

She calls him "Cutie-Pie" to his face and when he's not around. And she just said, "Mr. Good-Looking hasn't been around much...where is he?"

I think it's cute that she has a crush and all, but are the pet names really necessary?

August 13, 2008

The reason I may want another kid someday

is just to name them. I want to name a baby.

But that's it.

Clearly I'm not ready for another kid right now.

I'm ready to start crocheting again.

I took kind of a hiatus from it because of the divorce and the move and everything.

However, now I'm pretty much unpacked and practically divorced and brimming with yarny ideas. I'm excited to get back to working on projects and craft shows and such.

I have a whole line of baby blankets I want to work on, as well as some cool hats I've been thinking of. And I would like to finish my zombie gloves before the snow hits.

Office Manager makes dreams come true.

She emailed me first thing this morning to tell me she was getting some more candy for the front desk jar and did I need anything else?

I replied, "Bagels" jokingly.


She brought bagels. YES!!

When a Project Manager asked her what the bagels were for, she replied, "Kelli wanted them."

The PM replied, "And Kelli gets whatever she wants?"

The OM said, "Pretty much."

::snort::

August 12, 2008

My Fall '08 Dating Resolutions.

- To NOT give out my number just because I feel guilty saying "I'm not that into you."

- Like with Leland and Jay, to get out as soon as I feel the first sign of being bored or weirded out. Once again, I need to get over feeling bad for these guys.

- To try to meet guys somewhere besides Falling Rock or on the streets. Seriously.

- To not sleep with a guy the same night I meet him. (I'm still researching the pros and cons of this resolution...)

- To meet at least one guy who earns more money than me. Not because I want his money or want him to buy me stuff. It's more like a curiosity: are they any different? More like a quality guy? Able to do more fun activities with me?


Any other resolutions I should consider?

Cats and Hammocks.

One of the many little fuckers in my cat army has yet to figure out the hammock situation. (Sometimes I sleep on an air mattress, usually if Daniel is sleeping over. There's been a couple times I sleep on the floor. Usually, though, it's the hammock.)

Some nights, it'll jump from the window ledge onto me (while I'm sleeping, natch...it about makes me pee my pajama pants). Then it'll get freaked out because of the swinging motion. This morning, I awoke to two big, bloody gashes on my arm from this experience.

On a side note, though, if I'm not on the hammock, it's really funny to watch the cats try to jump from the ledge onto the hammock. It swings around and dumps them onto the ground. It does the same thing with Kayden (and I may laugh about that, too).

Another form of entertainment: I'm trying to break them of not sharing their food and fighting. So when there's two of them at the food dish, I'll stand right behind them quietly, with a squirt bottle pointed at them. They'll eat, glare at each other, eat some more...but inevitably, one will turn and hiss or slap the other. And that's when I laugh manically and squirt the hell out of the one doing the hissing.

::sigh:: I really shouldn't be a pet-owner.

I met a great guy at lunch!!

I was in the pawn shop, selling some junk and this guy approached me, asking if I was single. He was really hot: his hair was pulled into about eight greasy ponytails, his clothes were reallllllly baggy (his shorts practically touched the floor), he looked to be about late-30s-to-40s. He was wearing a worn wedding ring on his left ring finger, but reassured me when I pointed it out that "he ain't married...he just wears it, but he ain't married," and that he wouldn't ever lie to me. Isn't that sweet? :)

I told him that "I'm not really dating at the moment."

Guy-Friend vs. Best Friend.

Kortney and Daniel can't really get along...or rather, maybe they just don't like each other. I suspect a large part of it is that they're used to having my attention on them when we're alone...but throw them together and my attention is divided (I know this is mostly a problem for Daniel).

Because of this, I don't really feel like I can hang out with both of them at the same time. It inevitably leads to arguing: either Kortney and Daniel or me and Daniel.

I know they *want* to get along because of me...but he acts so different when she's around. He gets really loud and childish and can't just relax like when we're alone.

Anyhow, I'm just kind of venting because it's frustrating to feel like I'm stuck in the middle of this. I think my plan of action is just to keep them apart because it really does stay more peaceful that way.

**That and I think I'm ready to get out and meet some new guys again finally. I kept getting dangerously close to a relationship with Daniel, but there is just too much there that bugs me. I think with a little, dare I say "training", he could be a great boyfriend...but I don't have that kind of time.**

August 8, 2008

The Kelli Report

Just in case you were wondering exactly what it's like to be Kelli.

- I feel really dizzy and lightheaded. I would say it's from low blood sugar, but I generally don't eat until 11:30. Anyone who says I'm pregnant will die a slow and painful death.

- Today is the surprise going-away lunch for big boss. Everyone is already at the restaurant. Because I'm the front desk person, I have to be the last person here. My duty is to wait until big boss and head honcho head over to restaurant. Then I call and give the head's up, stick a sign on the door, and lock up. I can then come to the restaurant...of course, long after the "surprise" part. I'll have to miss that. I'm kind of feeling left out by it all.

- I'm feeling sort of bored with Daniel right now. Don't know if I even want to see him tonight.

- I'm a little overwhelmed at some projects that must be finished today, as well as a couple bills that have to be paid today, and the fact that I have to give Scar Cat his meds four times a day. Who has that kind of time and energy to give meds to a demon cat? I'll have to stay up really late to make sure the doses are spaced far apart.

Soooo...basically, I feel sick and anxious and upset.

I'm really fascinated with zodiac signs right now.

Yesterday, a cw and I were comparing the personalities of the dudes we're currently dating. CW and I are both very independent, need our space and have a tendency to "act like a man" in regards to emotions. The dudes we're dating are both kind of clingy, have mood swings, want to rush into a relationship, can get dramatic, etc.

She mentioned in passing that she checked their zodiac compatibility on a whim. I asked what sign she was. Sagittarius, which is right next to Scorpio--which I am (kind of similar). I thought that was funny, since we're so alike with relationships. Then I asked what sign her dude was. Cancer, just like Daniel. That really cracked me up because they sound like the same dude.

Soooooo...I really wonder if there isn't something to the zodiacs. It just seems scarily accurate much of the time.

"You're So Funny!"

I make a joke. Someone replies one of the following: you're so funny, you're hilarious, or you crack me up. But they don't laugh.

What does this phenomenon mean? If I'm really funny, wouldn't they laugh instead of replying that I am funny?

August 7, 2008

PSA: Gossip.

Just because I'm a receptionist, it doesn't mean I like to engage in workplace gossip, mmkay?

Just this morning, I've heard:

- Beth is a bitch who listens in on conversations
- Paige is vengeful and trying to get Cyndi fired
- Cyndi is horrible because she got rid of a dog after only having it two days
- Terri is untrustworthy and we shouldn't chat around her
- Dawn is super-uptight and condescending

And so on...

Um, I don't care. How about we talk about fun stuff instead of spreading all this shit about people we spend so much time with, hmm?

::sits on floor and sings Kumbaya::

This made my day.

Before going to work, I stopped by an Einsteins Bagels. Instead of bringing my bank card in, I just grabbed some cash. After ordering, I went to the register to pay. I discovered that I was about $.50 short. It was super busy, so this was pretty embarrassing. I said to the guy behind the register, "Is it too late to cancel the chai?"

He said, "How about I give you a chai for free if you promise to come back again?" Then he gave me a large iced chai (instead of the small I had ordered) and I thanked him profusely.

It made my morning...what a nice guy.

Stereotypical Man Habits.

- I drink milk and juice and soda straight from the bottle/carton.
- I don't replace the roll of toilet paper for a looooooong time.
- I just throw my clothes on the floor right next to the basket.
- I check out other people (men and women), even if I'm with someone

In regards to relationships with others, I don't talk about myself (I mean besides the superficial stuff), I don't return calls, sometimes lead men on, shirk away from commitment, would freak out and dump a guy if he talked marriage (or any commitment besides weekend plans). I have been the less emotional person in several relationships and have seen more men cry than they've seen me.

I have competition over Daniel

He brought Celeste to work and stopped in to see me. While he and I were chatting over my desk, Crazy Coworker stopped by and said, "Kelli, you better be nice to him, because I know a 50-year-old who thinks he's really cute and would snatch him up."

She walked away while I waggled my eyebrows at Daniel. Then she came back and said, "You know, Cher is about 60 and she married a guy who is 32...it's not that far-fetched." Then she giggled and walked away again.

Please keep in mind that this woman looks and acts JUST like an older Peggy Bundy.

It was awesome and I think it really embarrassed Daniel.

Will not be offended. Will not be offended.

Awesome Boss is relocating. As part of a "goodbye present," a photobook was made for everyone to sign. I flipped through, trying to find my picture to sign by. There were many photos of events I've taken part in, as well as photos I've taken myself. But nothing with me in it. There were three photos of the old receptionist. And hey, even a picture with my non-work friend in it (from the house rebuilding)...but, um, I'm not in it anywhere. I'm also frustrated because there are lots of photos of people who started working here after me or don't work with him as much as I do. Like the interns.

Will not be offended. Will not be offended.

I still left him a very nice message, complimenting him on his leadership and such.

August 6, 2008

Dear Kelli of Three Years Ago

Thank you for absentmindedly throwing a cup of Instant Lunch ramen noodles into your bottom drawer and promptly forgetting about it. I was starving and unable to take a lunch break today. Because of this, I will eat it now and think of you fondly.

Sincerely,
Kelli of Today

I have duct tape on my foot.

I was told this would help get rid of a wart.

(And before we start thinking that I'm a wart-infested wench, or that I have a genital wart that dropped onto my foot, I just want to say that it was originally a blister that somehow evolved into a wart. And I'm clean, yo.)

Crazy Coworker-ism

"There's this kid with yuppie parents at Michael's daycare. They drive these big, new, fancy cars and dress really nice. And each day they pick up their kid at the very end of the day, like around 6:20 or sometimes even 6:30. And it makes me sad. I just want to tell the mother, 'If you can afford these big fancy cars, you should quit your job and stay home...since you can afford it.' I really shouldn't think that, I know..."

I replied, "Yeah, you shouldn't think it, because you don't really know their circumstances."

Scar Cat got an STD in New Mexico.

Okay, not really...but man, I would not be surprised in the least.

Anyhow, one eye has been kind of goopy (but not problematic) for a couple weeks. However, over the last week, it started looking a little foggy or something. I decided to get him in to the vet...probably on Saturday or something. However, this morning, I woke up to find his second eye also goopy and the first eye had gone very red.

So I took him to the vet this morning. Turns out he has kitty Herpes. The doc said it's likely something he's always had, but it was probably the stress of the move that made it start up again. Anyhow, he has the Herpes and could possibly pass it to the other cats, although the doc thinks that's unlikely. I'll have to get them vaccinated just to be safe.

Also, the herpes caused an ulcer to form on his eyeball, which is what caused the "fogginess". I have some eye goop to treat it. However, if that doesn't work he'll have to see the kitty opthamalogist (?) and possibly have it removed (the ulcer...not the eye, hopefully).

I bet once word gets around, Lily will stop trying to screw him. Maybe. She's pretty dumb, though.

August 5, 2008

Class vs. Race

So, I just moved to my new apartment. I think it's safe to say that the majority of people living in that complex are Hispanic, with the next largest group being black. I've only seen one other white person since living there.

This doesn't bother me in the least. I make jokes about it being a "cultural experience" because there are a lot of different cultures being represented (my neighbors across the hall are actually from Africa).

What DOES bother me is that I get a lot of comments from white people about "all the Mexicans" in that area. Now, the building constantly gets trashed by all the kids, they always throw their garbage around, they leave broken bottles in the street. They just have no respect for the building or the neighborhood or even their neighbors. It looks ghetto as a result, despite the efforts of the management.

What I always say when people try to blame the Mexicans is that it's more a mark of living in a lower-class area. It's not their race that causes these people to live like slobs and trash my building. It's their socioeconomic status. In my experience, I've found that lower-class (and I really hate using a word like "class") take very little pride in their surroundings: white, hispanic, black, whatever. And because there are a lot of hispanic people in the lower-class bracket in Colorado, I think the whole race gets a bad rap as a result. And that makes me sad.

Anyhow, that was my tangent. I usually give it to anyone who makes the aforementioned comment. But I usually ramble on a lot more in person, so you should feel fortunate that you can just click out of the post here.

**However, being my hypocritical self, I do make jokes about Mormons as a whole...I really should work on that.

Um, wow. Sorry?

I kind of just got in trouble for an email I sent. Some guys selling art stopped by the office and I remembered that there were a couple employees who wanted to be notified next time they came in, but I didn't remember who. So I sent this email to just this office:

The guys from are downstairs selling some low-priced art. They’ll be outside for about five minutes, if you’re interested in having a look. If you don’t catch them today, but would be interested in looking another day or time, the main guy’s cell number is ______.


The Head Honcho sent Office Manager this email:

I do NOT want this kind of activity promoted! Please follow up with Kelly.

(By the way, nice spelling job on my name...I've only worked here 3.5 years...)

Office Manager then sent me this email:

Hey there….we should probably refrain from sending out emails on this type of stuff. Unless you know of folks that want to be notified of this stuff. Thanks.

Um. Sheesh. I knew not everybody would be interested, but I remembered that some actually were last time. You know, I could see this being a problem if an email were sent out everytime a vendor stopped by. But, um, that doesn't really happen here. There are by far more emails sent out weekly about "Free food in the kitchen!" "Bagels in the kitchen!" I guess I need to provide an incentive next time.

Corporate America, I fart on you.

A Revelation at 3 a.m.

I discovered Sunday night after talking to Kort until 3 a.m. that, while I have a physical type of men, I have kind of a personality type, as well. Many of the guys I've dated seriously, as well as some flings from this year, have a very "intense" or passionate nature to them. This has led the majority of them to become either obsessive over and/or fall for me like crazy. Offhand, I'm thinking of Cowan, Guy From Lunch, and that Italian drummer guy...that got weird really fast.

(I hope this doesn't come off as conceited, though.)

But it's not something I actively pursue. Rather it seems like they find me. Don't know why that is, but it is what it is.

Conversation with UPS Guy

Kelli: :pops wrist by twisting it:
UPS Guy: Whatcha doing there?
Kelli: trying to break my wrist and get out of work
UPS: You know, you should let me do that for you...it's like in the bible...you shouldn't take your own life...well, you shouldn't break your own wrist.
Kelli: No, it's okay. The bible says you can't take your own life...but it's totally acceptable to break your own wrist to get out of work.
UPS: I don't remember reading that in the bible.
Kelli: You might have the King James version. This is in the...um...non-King James version.
UPS: :laughs for a moment: What exactly do you drink before you come to work?
Kelli: My business is my own.
UPS: :laughing: See you tomorrow.

Note to self: be nice to Stupid Admin

She just gave me a piece of blueberry cheesecake. That earns her a few days of no snark from me.

Unless it's poisoned...


(Actually she gave it to me in return for a nice gesture on my part. She wasn't sure if the Werthers candies on my desk had nuts in them. I looked it up and they didn't, so she's happy as a clam.)

These are a few of my fav-o-rite things

Around-the-house edition.

I love my little lightbulb/cement/hockey puck flower vase:


I found this little hook thingy at the thrift store and thought "etc" was so random, I had to get it:


Still cluttered as hell, but it's slowly coming together. Note the alien painting off to the right. That is my favorite painting I own. I have to AW it once more:


Until I hang it, the new clock is sitting on my desk. See the Elton John shotglass? I got that at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. LOVE it. And then there's my totally kitschy Eiffel Tower candle holder/lamp thing.

August 4, 2008

I don't fucking think so.

An email from Josh:

Sorry. These childish outbursts of mine are getting old. I hope this anger goes away once the divorce is finalized.

If you're willing to print out another copy of the documents and have a notary on-hand, I will swing by your office to sign them. It's probably best if they aren't left in my possession. Let me know if this works for you.


Then I have to risk him throwing a hissy fit at my job or even taking his anger out on me in person? And I actually work with about five notaries, but I don't want to put them in the position of having to be there when my ex comes to sign paperwork. Even then, the deadline for all of this is Thursday. I still have to work up all that paperwork again and then just hope he doesn't flip out again? Uh-uh.

I think the best option is to have him go to Kort's office and sign the new documents, since they work right next to each other and he has no reason to kill her.

__________________________________________________________

Update:

Josh,
Rather than coming to my office, I've sent Kortney the court papers via email. She has printed them out and will have a notary on hand. You will need to contact her to figure out a time to go there and sign them.

Once you have signed them, she will give them to me. I will then sign and file them myself. If she hasn't received an email from you by tomorrow at ten, I will proceed without you and with the help of a lawyer. I will also then submit your emails to the court, as well.

I have been nothing but nice and cooperative with you, trying to make this as easy as possible. However, I won't put up with your mood swings and verbal abuse--even if it is only by email. Once I have signed the papers, I will send you a copy of them...then I see no reason for us to have any more communication.

Ugh. Just cried to Office Manager.

I showed her the email from Josh, explained about how the court deadline is coming up, and told her I might need to take off either Wednesday or Thursday to get this all straightened out. She's talked to me a lot about her own divorce, so that's why I went to her. She suggested first of all that I contact a lawyer to see what I can do to make it happen within the court's timeline still. After that, she'll let me know if my taking a day off would be okay (I've never really been told I can't take a day off...just whether it's 'okay' or not).

::sigh:: Stupid, stupid, stupid marriage.

Oh shit. Hyperventilation.

Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no

The deadline to have all divorce paperwork filed is August 8th. The last time I saw Josh (at the courthouse), I told him that I would fill out the paperwork and sign it then mail it to him to sign. He said, "I'll just plan to sign them and file it myself." Sounds good and uncomplicated.

I sent the paperwork to him by courier, with a note reminding him of the deadline.

I just got this email from him:

"FYI: I won't be filing these docs. Go fuck yourself if you have a problem with that."

I replied with this:

"The only reason I mentioned it is because YOU said at the courthouse that once I signed them and mailed them to you, YOU would file them. I wasn't just assuming you would. Please just sign them and send them back and I'll file them myself."

Shiiiiiiiiiiit. I'm REALLY hoping he is going to just sign them and send them back and not try to fuck this divorce up on purpose.

Update:

Oh. Fuck.

His response:

Sorry, I wasn't specific enough. I will not be signing them. If you want them back then you're welcome to come to my office and dig the shredded bits out of the dumpster. Hmmm, that's seems fitting for a trashy whore such as yourself. Once again, go fuck yourself!

I'm about to cry. At work.

Weekend Recap.

(I'm going to use bullet points to avoid my inevitable habit of droning on and on and on and...)

Friday night:
- Went to FR with Kort



- She thought she looked fat, so I took a photo to show her how she looks to others: awesome.



- ________ was working that night (second time that I've seen him since the brouhaha of May). Um, he gave me bourbon and coke instead of rum and coke. He knows that bourbon gets me really crazy-drunk, so obviously he was being cheeky. We chatted for a bit and it was really nice. And, um, I still miss him like crazy.

- Moving along, left FR, Daniel came to pick my drunk ass up.

Saturday:
- Daniel brought me back to my car and we parted ways (he had to work).

- Picked up Kort and Zoe and went back to my place and went swimming:



- Daniel showed up later and he and Kort helped me unpack boxes, hang shelves, break down boxes, and more. Got SO much done.



- Most importantly, Kort made homemade queso and it was delicious.

- Drove Zoe back home, went back to my place, lounged around and was lazy. Drove Kort to train station. Lounged around some more with Daniel.

Sunday:
- After Daniel went home, I went to the thrift store and the craft store. Then I picked up.....go on, take a guess...

Kortney. And Daniel. And Jason. Bet you didn't guess that last one, though.

- Anyhow, ate queso, lounged around at my house, hit a round of balls at the driving range, went swimming, came back to my place.

- After playing video games and, well, lounging some more, we went to the drum circle.

- Lastly, the boys annoyed us (again...why do we even bother?), so we took them home. Jason is super-negative about EVERYTHING. But when he gets negative about our beloved Denver, that's enough. Plus, while I was driving, I noticed that he was sticking his foot out the window to "dry it off". I snapped at him and said, "Are you still a teenager? Don't stick your foot out there!" Daniel was just being really dramatic, thinking I'm mad at him, taking offense to any little thing. We had to have a long talk because he was acting so childish and I called him on it.

Anyhow, Kort came back to my house and we stayed up until 3 a.m. talking.

All in all, a great weekend.

Cub Scout Picnic Photos

Kayden with his two fellow den members. The kid right next to him is his BFF, Alex. Kayden was in heaven:


After eating, it was time for games. (Kayden is in orange.)
The crab race:


Some weird ball hop race:


Kayden and Alex couldn't figure out the wheelbarrow race:






Sprinting:


My terrifying view of the final race:


Of course the kids had to take a break to see what was in the sewer:


Then Kayden got all tuckered out and was ready to leave: