February 29, 2008

Feeling so conflicted.

**Background for anyone who is just joining us: ________ is a dude I met over a month ago. We have a blast when we're together and he's incredibly sweet and caring. But when we're apart, he usually never responds to my texts, can't be found when I have a night off. The last couple weeks, we've only seen each other late at night on Saturday. I'll sleep over and leave kind of early since I always have to pick up Kayden on Sunday morning.**

So, the reason I'm conflicted: on one hand, I'm really annoyed with him. What I want to say is, "I know this whole thing is just for fun and not in pursuit of a relationship. However, I'm not okay with being ignored the rest of the time. And since I don't think you can handle any more commitment than that, let's just scrap this whole thing altogether."

On the other hand, I like him so much. I want to see him still. I don't want to scrap it, but the whole thing really bothers me. I feel like if I give in and just see him when he calls--when it's convenient for HIM, that is--then I'm giving up some of my dignity.

And I realized what bothered me so much on Wednesday morning. The whole time Kort and I were at the bar the night before, he never came by our table, never came around the bar to talk to me, never put his arm around me, never said goodbye or anything. He seemed SO different from the last time we went while he was working (the previous week). That's what bothered me. In a way, I felt like I was somehow intruding on his territory that night, like he didn't want me there. But I don't know why he would be that way. We parted ways pleasantly on Sunday...

Ugh. I'm kind of sick of men right now. I hate how they all have these issues and drama and baggage and can't just come right out and say what's up.

February 28, 2008

I got my cards back!

I just went to meet the guy at Starbucks. He was really nice, said he was worried something had happened to me since he found the cards so far apart from each other. He said, "So you were doing some partying that night?" I replied, "Well, it WAS a Tuesday night after all..."

I gave him a gift card and thanked him profusely. He gave me a hug, asked what kind of work I did, and said we'll keep in touch via Myspace.

Such a great guy.

On my walk back to work, I was carrying my Starbucks drink, as well as the Office Managers, and my MP3 player. I did fine with this until I got a block from my work, stumbled and spilled chai all over the front of my white shirt. D'oh! I LMAOed the rest of the way about how I must look. Luckily, I had a sweater at the office that covers it. I'm a spaz.

February 27, 2008

Aftermath of the Night of the Four Bourbons

- I am still hungover. I am from here on out limiting myself to a maximum of one bourbon a night. No more. Bourbon is my frienemy. We have a lot of fun while hanging out, we really connect, but the next day, I'm just left feeling sickened and used. And a little dirty. That bitch. It's time I reconnect with my true friend, the friend who has never let me down, only lifted me up with no lingering headaches: rum.

- I lost my drivers license, bank card, and credit card. And this time, I know for certain I will not find them in my Latin textbook. I've narrowed down the possibilities of where they fell out of my pocket. 1) behind my work where I lay down. 2) at the Broadway train station where I lay down. 3) on the train where I lay down. 4) at the McDonalds on Santa Fe where I lay down. I've checked all these places with no luck. I think this time is not a drill. Once again, I blame that bourbon bitch for getting me all riled up.

- I hate the newest admin at my office. I will probably elaborate on why in the future. But my mind is kind of squishy right now and I can't really formulate any clear thoughts.

There are more thoughts in there...but again, I can't really focus at the moment. Dee-dee-dee la-la-la!

Drama from Down Under!

So, um, I got this email the other day (edited for readability):

Hi Kelli. you don't know me.... I'm Michelle, Adam's--well, now-girlfriend. As I've just found out he's been cheating on me (not from him, but from a message he wrote to someone else). I am begging for your help. Could you please tell me if you or anyone else slept with him while he was in the states before Christmas? Please. I'm due to give birth to our third child in ten weeks and I really need to know the truth, seeing as he can't seem to tell me the truth himself...

Adam = the Australian

Dang.

So, I fretted about whether to respond and if I do, should I lie or not? Then, today, I got this message:

Hi Kelli,
I noticed you read my message and was wondering why you didn't reply. Please, all I need is a yes or no. I've been told by a friend that he was cheating on me in Australia and I need to know if he is. If he did, I have no hard feelings towards you. It's just I cant be with someone who thinks its okay to do that to someone you're meant to love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Please put yourself in my shoes. Wouldn't you want to know? All I want is a yes or no, nothing happened.


After reading this, I decided to respond:

"Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I was really unsure of what to say, because I didn't want to get involved. Yes, Adam and I hooked up back in December. I honestly didn't know he had a family. I'm really sorry you had to find out he cheated through friends or messages. It is pretty shitty and I do feel for you and your situation. If it's any consolation whatsoever, it sounded like I was the only one he cheated with--although I guess you can't really be sure. Again, I'm sorry for any additional troubles I've caused you."

Michelle: "Oh my god. I cant believe it. Thank you for telling me. Was he drunk? Have you seen him since he's been back there?"

Kelli: I'm really sorry, but at this point, I'd really prefer to just back out of this. As I said, I really don't want to get any more involved than I have already been. I know you probably have a lot more questions you want to ask, but I'd rather just keep it at what I've already said. I really think any questions you have should been discussed with Adam... not me. Again, I am sorry.

Michelle: I understand. I thank you so very much for showing me that he is scum. I guess it just goes to show he's a loser. I asked him when you messaged him (when he got back last time) if anything happened and he said that he barely spoke to you and that he thinks you hooked up with his mate. He's a compulsive liar and won't tell me the truth. If you do end up with him again, I warn you: he is gorgeous and seems nice, but he isn't what he seems. Once again, thank you.

~~~~~~~~~

So, that's that. Within ten minutes of my emailing her, Adam called me. He had already gotten bombarded with messages from her. I told him what I said. He said he understood and couldn't expect me to lie for him.

While I was talking to him, I got another call. It was my bank. Someone found my ID and cards and called my bank to report it!! He left his number with the bank, as well as finding me on Myspace and leaving a message there. I couldn't fucking believe it! And my cards weren't even together...apparently my credit card was about a block away from my ID!

Anyhow, I called the guy back and arranged to meet him tomorrow to get my cards. I thanked him profusely. I think I'll give him some cash or something. Maybe a gift card? I don't know...I'm just so fucking grateful to him.

I may be horribly naive, but I can't help but think of this as instant karma. As soon as I did a somewhat good deed by telling Michelle the truth, I get a call that someone found my cards.

February 26, 2008

I feel like I'm alone in parenting...

even though Kayden is surrounded by parents and family.

So many things. If he's sick at school, it's always me that leaves work to be with him. If he needs new pants, it's always me buying them. I take him to the doctor (and always have...I don't think anyone else ever has). I worry about when he goes to the dentist. If Josh or Scott flakes out on taking him when they say they will, it's my plans that are cancelled.

Because Scott was sick, he didn't see him all weekend. Kayden has cried the last two nights because he was hoping to see his dad. So tonight, I'm going to drive him to Scott's house, drop him off, and drive back to pick him up either in a couple hours or tomorrow before school. All so he can see his dad (who says he can't drive right now...and whose girlfriend apparently can't drive yet). At least Kayden appreciates the gesture. He told me I'm the best mom he's ever had. I'll take what I can get.

I don't regret being a mother whatsoever. It's just so hard sometimes. Even while married to Josh, I often felt like a single parent.

The Amazing Flying Baby

I cannot stop laughing about this. On a related note, I am evil.

Flying Baby

"No, thanks."

I sent this email to Josh:

"This is kind of a weird question, probably insensitive, but how would you feel about getting the divorce paperwork started? I’m pretty busy with the house and the taxes, so I thought maybe you could work on that part…"


Okay, maybe it IS insensitive of me to ask. But I'm pretty fucking busy at the moment preparing OUR house to sell and preparing OUR taxes. I don't think it was that outrageous to ask that he take a role in something. And I should mention that he has OFFERED in the past to do the divorce paperwork. I didn't just come up with the idea myself.

His response: "No thanks."

I'm very, VERY tempted to write back and say, "Fine. Plan to do your own taxes, as I think it would be better to file "Married Filing Separately.""

I know that if I did that, I would be the one to come out ahead. I'm the one who owns the house, has the kid, had the business, went to school, and had the correct amount of deductions taken out. I would get a very large return, whereas if I file with him, I end up owing a bunch. I'm doing him a fucking favor by letting him file with me...not to mention that I'm the one doing all the work by filing it myself.

February 25, 2008

A Slight Attention-Whore

I say "slight" because I think it would be slight to some, but huge to me.

Anyhow.

Ever since the separation, I've been feeling really upset and not like myself. I have been impatient with Kayden. I didn't want to read books or crochet or be at home or anything. I just didn't want to do any of the quintessential "Kelli" stuff.

However, over the last couple of weeks, I've gotten more and more into the groove of things. I've started to read again, crochet again, I went golfing last weekend, Kayden and I are doing fun things again, etc. I feel like I'm getting back to myself, which is a great feeling.

I have to say that even though I dealt emotionally with the impending divorce throughout much of last year, I've really been taken by surprise at how hard it is to have your life completely thrown up in the air...even if it was by your own doing. There are times when I may be alone in the house or doing something and I just think to myself how strange it all is. My life is damn-near unrecognizable right now. I'm a single mother again. I won't be living in my home for too much longer. Even my habits and appearance are different. It's just all so strange. Not bad. But strange.

And as hard as everything is right now, I don't regret it one bit.

Another Monday, Another Jumbled Post

Friday night: hung out at home with Kayden. We played chess and I actually beat him (not an easy feat, even though he's only seven). I did a victory dance and made my queen and bishop dance around and sing about being the winners. Kayden pouted. I'm a mean mom. Then we read some chapters from a book and discussed why this book was better than any other book from the series to date.

Saturday: Kayden and I went to the library. I'm a fairly paranoid mother, so he isn't left alone very often. But it wasn't very busy, it's a small library, and I felt he was up to the task. I took him to the children's section and told him, "I'm going to let you pick out your things alone. I'm going to get my books and I'll come back afterward. You are not to leave the children's section under any circumstances and you can only pick out five things." He was okay with it, so I went and picked out my items. After about 5-10 minutes, I went back to the children's section. He was sitting at a table, reading a book, with four items stacked next to him.

Now, this may be a small thing, but I told him I was very proud of him for obeying my instructions and I let him know what a good and trustworthy kid he was. He was proud of himself and said, "And I didn't talk to ANY strangers!"

Josh picked up Kayden for their overnight stay. No words were exchanged at all. I worked on my house until about 4:30 then went downtown. Kort and I hung out until about 11. At one point, we found ourselves at a sports bar across the street from Falling Rock, surrounded by about six jocks:



They bought our drinks and we all flirted and were having fun. At one point, two other girls showed up at the table and I started flirting with one of them. (I think I may turn a little lesbian-esque when I'm drunk.) I remember dancing with Shannon and making plans to go to a club with her. Anyhow, _____ was a total jock-cock-block. He invited me over and I asked Kort to drive me there (I was pretty drunk by this point, to say the least). We ditched all the jocks at the bar. I went to ______'s for the night and ______________________________________________________.

Sunday: since Scott was in the hospital (again), I ended up having Kayden for the day. Once again, Josh and I didn't even exchange words when he dropped him off. Is it bad that I prefer it that way? We went grocery shopping, I read a book outside while he played (it was a great day), and cleaned the house (again...the place is always getting dirty!). Mellow, mellow day.

Later that night, Kayden took a bath. He knows by now that, while washing his penis, he should not put soap into the urethra. He asked me last night why not. I replied that it hurts. He asked, "Why does it hurt? What does it feel like?" I replied, "I don't know. I'm not a boy. I don't have a penis."

He laughed his ass off for a couple minutes at that. Sometimes I get the feeling that I *might* not be a normal mother.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend with only a couple lows. Kayden was really upset that he didn't get to see his dad. I didn't get as much accomplished as I had hoped. And I'm still working on how I feel about ________ and this weird little relationship we have, which is a little confusing/upsetting. But other than that, good weekend.

One boo to my weekend.

I had to pay $175 to fix the washer. The fucking washer broke. It's not even my washer (it's Josh's), but suddenly it's my problem since I'm trying to sell the house and the washer is included.

::screams in frustration::

February 21, 2008

I hate being a homeowner.

So, my realtor stopped by last night. He got the information on my neighbor's place (which they are selling, too). They are listing it for much lower than we had planned to list mine. It sounds like their place is in better condition, but not as big as mine. So, the realtor is dropping my listing price to just under theirs. This sucks, but luckily, it's still more than I owe on the house.

I just hate this whole thing. My friend mentioned that it may be possible to basically sell the place back to the lender and not have it affect my credit or anything. I may look into that.

Oh, and I was looking at apartments online last night. Because the housing market is so bad, rents are increasing. I could probably get a one-bedroom place for only $400 less a month than my mortgage payment. So much for saving money.

February 19, 2008

More about why divorce is lousy.

I worked my ass off last night on my house. The only thing left to do is to vacuum, clean the kitchen floor, and organize the living room a bit better. This is awesome. Now we just have to keep it clean. A-gulp!

Bad news is I'm getting sick. Again. I have one of those chest-rocking coughs. Ugh. Maybe I should pour cough syrup into my Starbucks?

Also, I had to see Josh last night. He brought Kayden home from a Cub Scout thing. Then he waited until Kayden went upstairs and stared at me like he was Eeyore or something. Then he choked up and said he wasn't trying to make this harder on me. I said I really didn't know what to tell him right now...didn't know what to say. He continued staring at me and crying. I repeated myself. He got pissed, snapped "Fine!" and left. There's really no winning.

February 18, 2008

If my last relationship has taught me anything...

it's that if I ever have a relationship again, the man must have 1) self-confidence, 2) hobbies that he is passionate about, 3) future goals.

Josh had none of these and it didn't occur to me back then to care. Now they are mandatory.


(I should also point out that these criteria are in addition to my already-long list. I'm a picky bitch.)

Flobots and Art Museums

Woke up bright and early. Kayden and I went downtown, drank some Starbucks, ate lunch, walked under all the construction scaffoldings we could find, and went to the art museum. Unbeknownst to me, it was Family Day, so it was both free and they had a lot of activities set up. He had a blast.

Here's Kayden weaving, a la the Navajo:


He had never been to the art museum, so we did kind of a "light" tour: pre-Columbian era, Asian art, Indian art, and modern art. He seemed most interested in modern art. At one point, we saw an Indian headdress on display...later on that day we saw a similar headdress in a souvenir shop. He said, "That's art!" I replied, "No, not really, it's a replica...blahblahblah..." He then replied, "Well, someone created it, so it is art, right?" I guess he had a point.


Anyhow, back to the museum:



After we left the museum, we ate ice cream cones and went back to the car. We had been downtown about 4-5 hours and he was wiped out. By now, it was time for him to go to his dad's house for the night. I drove him there, then drove right back downtown. Kort met me there after an hour or so. After hanging out downtown for a bit, we caught the train to the Gothic Theater to see the Flobots.

The show was so much fun:



The first band was pretty bizarre and way too mellow for a Saturday night. The second band (The Hot IQs) were completely awesome and I want their CD. I think it was around this time, we met Chelsea:



Chelsea was this gorgeous, super-fun chick we found ourselves dancing next to. She was with her boring boyfriend, so she danced with us. I don't know how she did it, but she started a trend of everyone taking their shirts off. That only lasted about 10 minutes before we got in trouble. Anyhow, Chelsea was super-awesome and I told her boyfriend that if he didn't take her home, then I would.

Anyhow, so the Flobots came on and performed:



They were fun, we danced a lot, got really sweaty, and so on. Near the end of the show, I decided to take a break and hung out at the back of the theater. I met some 22-year-old named Kenny who wanted my number. I gave it to him, but I don't really know if I'll meet up with him. I think the last thing I need is another dude (especially a young dude) to annoy me.

So, we left the Theater after the show, walked back to the train and parted ways. I went downtown, picked up my car, started to head home, but somehow ended up at ______'s place.

On Sunday, after I left _______'s place, I drove home, showered, and went to lunch with my friend, Susan. We talked a bunch and left. I went home, moved the rest of my stuff to the storage shed with Kort, then...well, went out again. We went to Falling Rock for dinner, hung out with the bartenders, Sexy Dave and Rico Suave (a.k.a. Bryan), left dirty messages on the wall of the men's room (with the encouragement and marker of Sexy Dave), and had a fun, fun time. Then I went home, kicked myself for not cleaning in favor of going out, then realized it was all worth it, and went to bed.

How dire is my work situation?

Here are the facts:

- The office manager (and a couple key people) know I'm going through a divorce. She's been very understanding.

- I've been getting along with coworkers really well lately and the office manager has been praising me a lot.

- However, I missed work on Tuesday because I was sick. I was 1.5 hours late to work yesterday because of the ice storm we had. She didn't really seem annoyed at either of these.

- I'm feeling really shitty today, but am worried about leaving early, because of missing Tuesday and being late yesterday.

- When I'm here, I get all of my work done. But when I'm gone, it causes kind of a problem because the admins have to divide the phone schedule and sorting mail and such.

Should I be this worried? I'm planning to talk to the Office Manager about this, but I worry that she'll pretend everything is fine up until I get fired.

February 15, 2008

I feel bizarre.

I feel like my body is floating and spinning in the air and the only things I'm aware of are my hands...and those are kind of numb and tingly.

I only took a couple Day-Quil and that was first thing this morning...

::floats away from computer, bumps head on ceiling::

Good News, Bad News

Good news: I wasn't late for work today.

Bad news: I was too late to catch the train though, had to drive.

Good news: My little sister was officially adopted by my dad on Wednesday.

Bad news: Because of the court's fuck-up, I wasn't able to be there for it.

Good news: It's Friday.

Bad news: I woke up feeling like utter shit today: sore throat, can't talk, body aches, headache, etc. I came into work, took medicine, and will talk to the Office Manager about leaving early if the medicine doesn't help.

Ummmm...news: My mom is getting married. I found out from my step-mom. This will be my mom's 5th marriage. I think his name is Lance? And, um, yeah.

February 14, 2008

Pity Party Post.

I'm feeling like such a bad mom right now. I try to act as I always have, but seem to keep failing. I don't want to play. I'm irritable. Days like today, I got Kayden up and dressed and out the door (only 15 minutes late, which is an improvement) and felt pretty good about this. But then noticed on our way to the sitter's house that his pants had a hole in the knee. It's freezing and snowing today. I felt like crying.

I bought a train pass for $100, intending to save money on gas. I've also failed at this. I've only taken the train into work twice this month and have been late both days. If I don't get to the train station by 7:00 a.m., I'll be late. And that's if I can even find a parking space. Today, I had to go to the next station down the line to get a space. I was about two hours late, due to bad weather, train delays, and traffic.

I absolutely cannot afford to keep living like I am. Josh has not given me his share of the mortgage for three months now. He was flaky with the payment even before I asked for the separation. I think he figured I would use my graduation money on his share. Which I did. Since the separation, I guess he feels that he doesn't live there so he doesn't have to pay. It's only my name on the mortgage, so I'm guessing there's not much I could do legally.

The mortgage payment equals one paycheck of mine. I also have to pay for Kayden's daycare, which is nearly half of my second paycheck. My car payment takes up the second half of the second paycheck. You know what this means? I'm living on my credit card. I have no choice that I can see. It makes me want to cry. I know I can make things better once I get back on my feet, but this makes me feel horrible.

I'm already feeling the pressure of living in an empty house. Several times, Kayden has said something like, "Can I watch Star Wars?" "Can we play Go Fish?" But he can't, because they are packed and in storage. I get so bored at home now. I have books to read and yarn to crochet, but I can't really focus.

I'm trying to not get into it with Josh.

This is some of the stuff he's emailing...

"I'm really worried about you and Kayden, but I don't know how to talk to you about this. Par for the course, I guess."

I asked why he was worried about us.

"I don't know if I want to get into this. I need to think about it more before I say anything. There are a lot of bad feelings about this situation that are probably blurring my vision. I'm probably not giving you enough credit. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I'm no longer a father figure in Kayden's life.
Besides, I have no right to criticize or judge."


I replied: You are still a father figure in his life.

"No, I'm not. I'm more like one of those Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteers. It's more of a mentor role than a father figure. My job is to take him to Cub Scouts or bowling. That's it. I shouldn't complain. I'd much rather have this diminished role than the alternative of not seeing him. I shouldn't bother you with this stuff. Sorry. This is sick! You're the one discarding me (with good reason), yet you're the one I want to turn to talk about this stuff. It makes no sense."

He's feeling bad for himself and I think he really wants to attack my parenting abilities. I can see why he might think I'm slacking on my mom duties of late (I didn't have Kayden's cub scout shirt ironed, his room is a mess, I don't have time to play with him, he didn't get his homework done on time). But I'm going out on a limb to say that once the house is all packed and cleaned (and please remember that I'm packing up much of Josh's shit too), my mind will be better-equipped to remember this stuff.

That's what I'd really like to say to him. "Maybe if I wasn't stressed about trying to get rid of this fucking house on my own, I could focus on my kid a little better." I'll stay quiet, though.

February 13, 2008

I'm going to take a break from the Australian

He's getting really weird and controlling and irresponsible and needy. I'm going to tell him I need a break. Ugh. Men are so frustrating.

This "relationship" is supposed to be about having fun...instead I'm just super-pissed at him.

(Not to mention, he is already saying he loves me. Yuck.)

February 12, 2008

Crash!

I took the day off today. I was so fucking worried about the Scott and Kayden thing last night. Kayden was apparently sick and Scott kept him home. He didn't have a phone and didn't think he needed to call me. He got quite the earful after I drove to his house.

Anyhow, when I got home, I just passed out. I got a really bad headache, was sick to my stomach, etc. I hadn't eaten all day because of nerves and I think it took its toll. So, this morning, I woke up to find that I still felt incredibly shitty. In addition to the other stuff, I just felt so weak and stressed about getting the house finished. I called in to my job, and spent a good chunk of the day sleeping and cleaning.

Even now, I'm just a wreck. The realtor is coming to look at the house on Thursday, there is more drama with Josh, and I can't fucking eat a thing. Today, I've had half a bagel and a little slice of Tostinos pizza. Yesterday I had a single slice of a quesadilla and about four chicken nuggets. All day. I just feel awful and weak and nauseous. I'm going to set a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.

February 11, 2008

Still no word from Scott.

1:27:

I'm actually kind of worried. The only thing I can think of is that he thought I wouldn't actually find out that Kayden didn't go to school and was trying to hide it. Normally he would call.

2:56:

STILL no word. Am getting more and more worried. I may drive to his house after work.

Can't fucking believe he wouldn't call at some point today.

3:07:

Okay, Scott's mom (who lives near him) is going to his house right now. She'll call me when she gets there.

3:19:

Okay, Joyce just called. Scott's roommate said they are still at the doc appointment. No other information. Joyce told the roommate, "TELL HIM TO CALL KELLI WHEN HE GETS HOME!" She's pretty pissed at him, too. I told her I may kill her only son.

4:06:

Still hasn't called. I'm pretty sure he is afraid at this point...with good reason. I am likely going to head over there right after work.

February 8, 2008

I think I should get some sleep this weekend.

Last night, I got six hours of sleep, the night before about two, and so on.

I've had three cups of coffee, one Starbucks chai, one Mountain Dew...and I'm still ready for a nap.

::snooooooooore::

February 7, 2008

The Dish-Tower War continues...

Even though I haven't heard anything about that in months, the APM decided that it bothers him again today. There are about 10 dishes waiting for the owners to claim them.

I stacked them first thing this morning. Over the course of two hours, I've gone into the kitchen to find them "unstacked."

So I restacked them.

This has been repeated several times already. I find it hilarious. People who work in an office really act petty about silly stuff.

And I include myself in this generalization, because I continue to restack the dishes every time

You know what sucks about seeing the bartender

of your favorite bar?

I feel like I can't go there casually anymore. For example, I kind of want to go there for lunch (their quesadillas are awesome). But I don't want to appear to be the chick who hangs out at her dude's work or anything. Or worse, the chick who stalks the bartender by hanging out at that bar.

Well, he's not actually working right now. I suppose I could slip in, have my lunch, read my book, and leave under the radar...

I still need to have the "I plan to hang out at the bar, but I'm not necessarily always there to see you..." talk. Sometimes I just really want to hang out there without it being about him.

________ might be history.

All week, he's only texted once and hasn't called at all. He says he was really sick for a few days and couldn't get out of bed. But now that he's better, you'd think he'd pick up where he left off. Nope. Still nothin'. I'm impatient and don't like to be ignored. Kelli = bitchy diva when it comes to the guy-friends.

It makes me sad...I really liked that one. He is the male-Kelli. Oh well...live and learn.

February 6, 2008

The therapist suggested medication.

I was really surprised by this. I thought psychologists, in general, like to work through problems by talking and not jump straight to meds. However, after an hour-and-a-half, she said that she really had no advice for me, except to look into medication. She said that if I just want to talk, though, she would be glad to still see me...but that medication for my anxiety would be the best thing right now.

Another day, another email from Josh.

"I apologize for my emotional roller coaster lately.
There's are a couple of things I said yesterday that I need to retract or amend.

The first is this offer to help with anything. Nix it.
I know you have a lot going on and it's very stressful and I wish you the best, but it's not my problem. If there are any specific tasks I can do to help with selling the house or helping the divorce process go smoothly, I'll do them. Other than that, sorry. I didn't expect you to take me up on the offer, but I still feel it's necessary to correct this.

As for me seeing Kayden, I still want to have regular contact with him. I will schedule visits with him in advance. I will not be a babysitter like I offered to be a couple of times yesterday. Our schedules will need to have both a starting time and an ending time.


(He was in the house when Scott called to cancel on taking Kayden tonight. After I hung up, he offered to watch Kayden instead, if I had plans. I said I did, but that I would cancel them...no problem. That's kind of why I'm irked at this. I had no intentions of asking him to babysit ever. He asks if he can take Kayden on certain days and I let him. I don't and have never asked him to babysit.)

I'm sorry your appointment ran over last night, but I shouldn't be expected to adjust my schedule. I shouldn't have offered to watch him tonight when Scott changed his schedule with you either.

As for this weekend, I'm willing to meet with Scott to trade Kayden off, but there are certain conditions. I will drive no further than the house. No Park Meadows, no Parker, definitely no Castle Rock. Also, any coordination between Scott and me is your responsibility.

I apologize if my tone is jerky, but I need to make this stuff explicit, more for my benefit than for yours. In the future, I'll do my best not to bother you with the latest change in my emotional state.

There's a lot more I want to say and a few questions I want to ask, but I'm going to keep them to myself. I don't think any good will come from it."


::sigh:: I can understand where he's coming from and he makes good points. But 1) he implies that I'm taking advantage of him or trying to...and that's just bullshit, 2) I'm sick of this stupid roller coaster: he wants to be friends, he doesn't want to be...he wants to be in Kayden's life, he doesn't want to be.

A Letter from Kayden

I found this letter in his room while cleaning. I'll translate below:


"Daddy, I love you. I miss you. Will I see you next weekend? When is the wedding, 'cause if it is tomorrow, I can't come, 'cause for some reason, I have to poop--wet poop--a lot. I love you. From Kayden, to Daddy and Crystal."

February 5, 2008

One bonus to drinking obscene amounts of caffeine:

I have supa-fast reflexes.

I was eating chunks of a scone, dropped it, batted it with one hand, caught it with another, and popped it into my mouth in a matter of 0.034 seconds.

Zooooooooooooooooooooooom!!

New coworker thought I was 18.

And she is only in her early-30s. I can't believe I would be mistaken for that young. You should have seen the look she gave when I said I had a 7-year-old son.

February 4, 2008

This bugs me.

There have been about 5 occasions where people have asked me if I ever changed my name (upon getting married). When I reply no, they say, "Oh, so you must have known something even then...", implying that I must have known or suspected divorce from the start.

Way to kick me in the nuts, man.

February 3, 2008

Birthdays and Tattoos

Friday: I picked Kayden up and told him he would be staying at his dad's house that night (since Scott didn't have to work). But Kayden got really upset and said he wanted to be with me. Now, that has never happened. Scott has always been the "fun" parent whose house is like a vacation from rules and such. After talking with Kayden a bit, we agreed that we would eat dinner and watch a movie at home together and then go to his dad's house. He was fine with that.

After I took him to Scott's, I went to meet Kortney and her coworkers for a drink to celebrate her b-day. When I got there, she was already drunk:


Kort's cws were all pretty fun to hang out with. They seem a lot more low-key, but very excited to have a super fun office manager to party with.


So, while we were hanging out with her cws, we occasionally glanced at the table behind us. Each time one of us looked over, the same guy would smile or raise his drink or something. When we got up to leave (one of the cws was going to drive us to the train station), that guy flagged us down and asked for our phone numbers (well, he and his friend, of course). He tried to get us to stay and hang out with THEM, but we were on a mission to get downtown. He called me about an hour after we left, but I missed the call. He texted an hour after that, but I was pretty drunk by then. Not sure if I'll call him back in the future.

So, once downtown, Kort and I were riding on a pedi-cab and were screaming and acting nutty. From across the street, a guy yelled that he wanted a ride and we shouted for him to catch up. He ran up and hopped in. Ironically, we were going to the same bar anyways. His name is Jonathan, he's 25, working on his second Bachelor's degree at my school, and he's a photographer. We went to Falling Rock together and he bought us drinks and his friends met up shortly thereafter. We hung out with all them for a couple hours.

Andy, Jonathan's friend with polka dot tattoos all over his head and body:



Jonathan and I chatted a bit, he asked to take me out to lunch during the week (since his school is nearby) and we made tentative plans to hang out the next night. Ben stopped by and hung out with us.

Saturday: I was pretty much hungover (I hadn't actually eaten much of anything the day before, so I was SICK). I went home, chilled for a bit, ran some errands, hit a bucket of balls at the golf course, cleaned up, then went to the tattoo place. Rachel stopped by to keep me company...I think she has a few pictures of it. Getting the outline of the tattoo wasn't bad at all. At first, I was really tense, but after some daydreaming and visualization techniques (made easier by the fact that the cute tattoo guy was basically straddling me...ahem), it got better. However, when it came time to actually color it in? Fuck. Me. That hurt like a bitch.



Here's the puffy, bloody result:



After we finished up (and I nearly cried with relief), Rachel and I got some dinner and walked around in search of an ice cream place. Keep in mind, this was the hipster/ghetto neighborhood and it was about 8:00 p.m. We never did get that ice cream.

After we got kicked out of Starbucks, we parted ways. I picked up Kort from her Roller Derby thing and we went downtown. Jonathan invited us to go bowling, but we declined. We went to a bar (I drank Dr. Pepper), but were just not feeling it. By this time, it was about 11:00, we were pooped. We went to Kort's house, picked up some movies, then went to my house and passed out.

Sunday: I was still hungover from Friday night. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I watched a bit of a movie, cleaned up around my house (a daily activity nowadays), and went downtown. I met up with Kort and Ben at Falling Rock to celebrate Kort's actual b-day. Jonathan showed up, we played some pool, and had a really chill day together:


We watched wrestling on Telemundo (the Spanish channel). Kort and Ben demonstrated some kind of weird leg wrestling:



After leaving Falling Rock, I picked up Kayden, went to Blockbuster, got into my pajamas, cooked a frozen pizza, watched movies, and just relaxed.

After a day, the tattoo is already improving, but still really red:

February 1, 2008

Doctor Appointment

I explained all my symptoms (sleeplessness, fatigue, lack of appetite, crazy persistent anxiety, weight loss, etc.). She suggested a few options, one of them being Paxil. However, she said that she's worried about putting me on any medication because manic depression/bipolar runs pretty heavily in my family. Even though I have no symptoms, it turns out that some anti-depressants can actually spark a manic attack.

She had blood drawn to test my thyroid, to make sure that isn't what is causing the weight loss. Also, she gave me a bunch of papers to read more about bipolar to be sure I don't exhibit any symptoms. I told her I've been hyper-aware of the symptoms all my life, because I've always been so paranoid about developing it.

She will call me on Monday to discuss my options further. In the meantime, she has suggested I see a therapist...not a psychiatrist.