December 31, 2007

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I'm going to tell Josh I want a separation tonight.

I've decided that today is the ideal time. Kayden is leaving on a week-long road trip with his dad today. Josh will have tomorrow off, so he won't have to sit and stew at work. I can go and stay with Kort tonight to give us a little space.

(Oh, btw Kort, can I stay with you tonight?)

I'm freaking out. I think he's mad at me anyways at the moment, so that'll help.

Here's where I start asking questions. How do I bring up something like this? I'm thinking of just saying it right out and if he has questions then, I'll answer them, rather than having a long speech prepared.


Also, I feel kind of like a phony for asking for a separation when, as of right now, I don't think we'll ever get back together.

I want to sell our house, but the market is pretty bad right now. I don't know if Josh would move out, so it's likely we'll end up still living together for a couple months at least.

::hyperventilating::


Update:

Kortney gave me one of her anti-anxiety pills and I'm feeling much better about the whole thing. If you can't be brave, take a Klonopin, eh?

A friend will listen to your rantings and ravings.

A best friend will slip you a pill so you'll chill the fuck out.

It's ending, a weekend review.

Saturday night: after we dropped Kayden off with his dad, I took Josh home and went to my tattoo consultation. I scheduled an appointment for March 1st. Then I went to dinner with Kort. I think this is why Josh is mad at me...because I went out instead of going home. Like I always do. If Kayden isn't home, I don't really feel like going home myself. We ended up playing pool, drinking, hanging out with our friend, Zak Attack. It was a somewhat mellow evening for me.

Sunday: Went to the art museum with my friend, Susan. She wanted to see the Louvre exhibit, which turned out to be kind of disappointing. It was mostly chairs and dishes and such. They were pretty and all, but not what I had been expecting. There was a Rembrandt piece, a Titian, and Breugel...but none were particularly great. Maybe I'm just an art snob.

As we drove back to my house, I confessed to Susan about the impending separation. At first she was like, "Oh nooooo...Kelli! Josh is such a great guy, though! Can't you work it out?" After we talked for about an hour and I explained my reasoning, she was totally behind me. She thinks, in these circumstances, it's the best thing for me and Kayden.

I had mentioned that I thought Josh was angry with me. But he's so passive-aggressive, that he'll never actually tell me. Sunday morning, he left to do some work at the office. He saw that I was awake and just waved to me. Yeah. A wave. He didn't come home until around 6-ish. That's fine if he's angry. But talk about it! Don't just pretend everything is fine and then ignore me all night.

December 26, 2007

Road Trip

Kayden's dad is going to take him on a road trip next week (I believe). I finally gave my approval.

And you know what this means?


For the first time since having a kid, I'll be able to go out on New Years Eve!!
How fun!!

December 24, 2007

Snow Day


What do you get when you mix: an afternoon without Josh, two days of boredom, lots of shipping boxes, and a load of packing tape?









Why! An apartment complex for kitties and kiddies!! Yay!


The top two boxes are actually a 2-story condo, with a hole connecting the boxes.

I'm already bored with Christmas.

I'm just feeling really blah about it all this year. I'm still plugging away for Kayden's sake. But I'm just not excited about any of it. Normally if I have a long weekend off of work, I'm stoked and can find plenty of stuff to fill up my days. But so far, I'm just really bored. I have to do the whole Santa thing tonight, but I'm just not that thrilled about it...not like last year. ::sigh::

Enough bitching already.

December 17, 2007

Graduation.

Woot! I graduated and all.

So, I was a nervous wreck on Saturday morning...couldn't eat, had to vomit, etc. Once the ceremony actually started, I felt better. I didn't trip or anything. At one point while waiting for my name to be called, I looked out at the crowd. Holy shit. That was a lot of fucking people. My sleeve got caught on the stair railing onstage, but I took care of it quickly and don't think many people noticed.

Unfortunately, the ceremony was hugely impersonal and rushed. It wasn't alphabetized...we just handed them a card with our name on it and they read it. There were two people reading, one right after the other. So I was maybe on stage for about 5 seconds. Also, the ceremony was so big, they had these big screens set up...but once again, you're only onstage for about 5 seconds and on the camera for even less time. Because of this, my dad and Kayden completely missed seeing me on stage.

I got photos afterward, but once again, it was kind of crazy. Everyone wanted photos with me, but everything was so rushed and crowded that it didn't quite happen that way.

Oh, at one point during the ceremony, I glanced behind me and saw an ex-boyfriend. He was already staring at me and we exchanged a "oh, hey, I've seen you nekkid before" look. I smiled and turned around. Then I looked in my program for his name. He was such a cocky bastard when we were together. So I took great pride in noting that he didn't have "magna cum laude" and "college honors" below his name. ::looks smug::

Anyhow, the party afterward was SO MUCH FUN. I was the center of attention which alternately thrilled me and made me shy. I'm a little confused about whether to be an AW or not, I guess. Tracy and her family threw the party for me. They are so incredibly good to me (and Kayden). At the end, I thanked her husband for throwing such a great party. He replied, "We do that for all of our daughters..." I nearly cried.

Finally, the whole weekend was just awesome. So much fun. So great. And I'm done with school. For now.

Miss Kortney:
My awesome grandparents, who traveled from Wyoming:

And my dad, who traveled from Utah:


December 13, 2007

Popping Rolaids like candy today.

I chose to be irresponsible for a change last night. I *should* have been studying for my Latin finals (which are today). However, Kort is a bad influence and took me for drinks instead to celebrate my upcoming graduation.

Am now dragging ass at work. Luckily, I think it'll be a slow day so I can do some last minute cramming. And my dad and stepmom are flying into town tonight. I hope Hungover Kelli isn't too obvious.

December 11, 2007

Winter in Denver.

I set out for work at 7-ish. Since the roads were so bad, I decided to take the train by my house. It took a goddamn hour just to get to the station which is 2 miles from my house. Upon getting to the station (and nearly wrecking my car), I am told that it's full. I have to turn around. I'm so pissed, I decide to go home for a bit before setting out again.

Kayden is on a delay-start schedule, so I tell Josh he can try his hand at getting to work and I'll take Kayden to school. Since his school is bound to be a mad-house, we walk there instead. (It's about five minutes from our house.) We get there and Kayden's perfectly happy and warm in his new boots, new coat, etc. I, on the other hand, am soaking wet from my knees down. I drop him off and walk back. I get in my car and set out again. By this time, it's about 8:50.

I drive to the next train station down (easier said than done, about 30-45 minutes passed while driving there). I go to purchase my ticket, only to discover I left my money in the car. I run back to the car, get my money, get the ticket. I wait outside in the freezing cold for about 20 minutes. Finally, I get on the train. It's another 20-30 minute ride downtown. After that, I have to walk from the train station to my work, because all of the shuttles are running slow.

I just arrived at my work at 11:00, soaking wet and I can't feel my feet. As I walk in, the Office Manager says, "What took you so long?" And then I screamed and my head exploded and I opted to go to hell because I hear it's so much warmer there.

December 6, 2007

Drawings.

Kayden has this drawing pad that is sticky on the back of the pages, so you can tear a drawing out and stick it to the wall.

Last night, a few hours after putting him to bed, I went to check on him.

This is what I found:


(the huge drawing at the top is old, all the rest is new)

Biding time.

My mind is now set on divorce. I feel very comfortable with the idea and I'm also comfortable with waiting until after the holidays to bring it up.

However, what I hate is that when Josh senses something is wrong, he goes back to acting all sweet and caring like when we were dating. Then I feel guilty for planning for divorce and for acting cold and distant.

I hate that.

December 4, 2007

My Year in Review.

Started with a death and is likely ending with a divorce. I'd say I'm entitled to hate 2007.

And in case that isn't enough, here's a brief summary:

- struggled with scary night hallucinations all year that caused me to be shaken up, terrified, screaming, etc...toss in bouts of insomnia for flavor

- Josh's depression and subsequent withdrawal from us

- Calls and visits with my mom while she's drunk or high, hearing every other month that she has either been in jail, in rehab, raped, in the hospital, or found drunk in the streets of Utah.

- Dealing with asshole grandpa

- Stupid stomach problems that have yet to be solved

- 25th b-day completely ignored by husband, even after I told him it hurt me

- Money problems

- Finding out at the last minute that I actually had to take three more classes before I could graduate

- Pneumonia and bronchitis for a week...inevitably putting me behind in each of my classes

- Being put on probation at work for stupid, silly reasons

I know this all sounds so whiny. And there WERE some very good moments in there. But it just feels good to get it all out.
I really hope 2008 is better.

If you were going to ask for a divorce/separation...

Would you do it immediately or wait until after the holidays?

A realization I've recently had: this will likely not be a difficult divorce at all (I mean, aside from emotionally). There will be no custody battles. We have our own cars, our own debt, our own accounts.

I feel like we were never really husband and wife. We have shared possessions but nothing I would really fight for.

So many people have it a lot harder. Hell, it was much harder for me to leave Kayden's dad, knowing I was heading into poverty.

But I still did it.

I can do this too.

December 3, 2007

Parades and Miners. A Weekend Review.

Friday night: Kort, Kayden, and I met downtown for the Parade of Lights. It was a blast. Kayden is normally a very quiet kid. However, even he started cheering and singing with everybody. We sang Feliz Navidad, yelled that we love the Denver firefighters, cheered for Santa, etc.









Saturday: Kayden went over to his dad's and I was still kind of grumpy with Josh, so Kort and I decided to swing by the spa (where we had gone with friends awhile back). We lounged in the pool for hours. We lounged at Starbucks for a couple hours. We lounged. That's all. It was so relaxing. As it started to get later, we decided to just get a room. <~~~~Not as dirty as it sounds.


Saturday night: we went out to dinner and went to the miners bar to play pool (I swear!). We bogarted the jukebox, playing all kinds of crazy songs that didn't really jive in the cowboy bar. At one point, I played Michael Jackson and, of course, danced like Michael Jackson. At some point, when I was singing (aka, screaming) along with Aerosmith, a guy at the next pool table started laughing, saying I ruined his shot. We all began chatting and invited them onto our table (a huge guy was getting angry that we had the tables but were just chatting). So, we ended up hanging with some really cool people: One was a hot 30-something former cop/English major who was so incredibly funny (calling himself "pretty" all night). The other was a hot Austrailian surfer who was fairly quiet and shy, but a big book nerd. Creepy Joe was their friend who is creepy by night, but pretty decent by day (we ran into him at breakfast the next day). We. Had. So. Much. Fun.



Now the strange part: remember when all the Denver girls went out and we met all those miners? And one miner ended up buying the owl hat to make the Indian wear it in the mines? Well, the guys we met Saturday night all worked with them. They were gold miners who had actually worn the owl hat down in the mines (apparently it was passed around quite a bit). It was so awesome. Creepy Joe even got Alan (one of the guys from our last visit) on the phone to chat with Kort.

Again. So. Much. Fun.

The next day, after coming home too late and sleeping in too late, we got up, went to breakfast, to the spa, the pool, the naked caves, Starbucks, out for lunch, took a nap in Kort's truck, then drove home.