February 19, 2007

The Pimple Fairy visited me last night.

...and danced to the Nutcracker Suite all over one-half of my face.
Seriously, I look like Two-Face today.

February 16, 2007

I've lost my resolve.

This past weekend, Josh wouldn't even spend time with me and Kayden, was grouchy, and was being an all-around jerk. This has become standard weekend behavior. The pinnacle was when I was getting ready to go out for coffee (after Kayden's bedtime). K threw a fit and started crying because he wanted to come with me. Josh looked like he was on the brink of losing his temper, and I decided to stay and calm K down before leaving. I actually didn't trust Josh alone with K. This was a completely new feeling for me.

My resolve was that I would DEMAND Josh go to the marriage counselor by himself this Saturday. I feel he has issues he needs to work out without me there. If he refused, I would tell him to stay with his sister. I was that upset.

Since that incident, we didn't really talk, kiss, look at each other for about 4-5 days (well, I didn't). Last night, we finally started talking and showing affection again. He asked if we could cancel our appointment with the counselor since it "always puts us in a bad mood". I said, "we could...but I'd rather you go by yourself this time." And I gave him my reasons for why I wanted that. He said he didn't really have anything to talk about and if he did, he could talk about it with me there. I persisted, "Please, just this one time." He said he'd think about it.

That was the point that I should have threatened him: you go or you stay with your sister. But honestly, I didn't want to fight anymore. It's so much nicer when we're getting along. I actually debated whether we should even see the counselor anymore, because it does just put us in a bad mood in which we don't speak for nearly a week afterward.

::sigh:: I'm such a pussy. I should demand this of him, but I'm just so sick of everything, of all the tension.

February 13, 2007

Worst Name Ever

For my internship, I've been reading a lot of books about teen parents. There is one in which a girl explains how she came up with her daughter's name: Jealousy Tears.

Jealousy is because "one day she will make everyone jealous" and Tears because "everytime I see her, I cry".

Oh dear.

I hope they name their next child Envious Gigglesnort.

February 12, 2007

Good News/Bad News

Good news: Err...um...hmm...let me think on that some more

Bad news: Had a bad weekend. I started my new part-time cleaning job (which will be very good, since I can pay off my credit card), but I was WIPED OUT afterward. That's some tough work.

Also, Josh and I pretty much haven't spoken all weekend. All day Saturday, he was in one of his moods: agitated, bored, jerky, depressed, whatever. On Sunday, after he got home from work, he was in a really good mood. Yeah, whatever. He expects me to be cheerful and forgiving just because he's happy the next day. I'm really getting pissed off with him. Yeah, I get it that he's depressed. I've tried to be supportive and patient...but enough's enough.

I have papers to write for school, am now working two jobs, am starting an internship...and Josh can't even be bothered to take Kayden off my hands for a couple hours. Hell, even if I'm around, he can't be bothered to join in the family activities.

Oh well.

It's a Monday. That's bad enough news in itself. And my coworkers bother me. Anyone know of a job where I can just sit in a windowless room by myself and read? One that provides a beanbag possibly?

Good news: Only an hour until my lunch break, and only 6.5 hours until I get to go home.

February 5, 2007

Pedro the Fire-Breathing Cowboy.

I received this email today, from a guy I dated oh-so-briefly:

Do you remember a guy that was hitting on you at the bookstore you used to work at, when he was buying a Body for Life book? This was approximately three years ago. Well, now that you remember me, you had crossed my mind a couple times and then I came across your email address when cleaning out my email. So I thought I would say hey. What are you up to? How is life? What is new? I work for a mortgage company and do private investing.

I hope it doesn't seem strange me emailing you, considering we never really got to know each other that well. I did, however, recall you as being a beautiful, intriguing person so I figured as long as I found your email address, I would try to say hi. I hope life is treating you wonderfully and I would enjoy hearing from you sometime. Either way, best of luck with everything.

He was really hot. He was hot enough that when I first met him, he was wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath, and still thought him to be very hot. I went on a couple dates with him when we were 18 and 20 respectively, and ended up seeing Josh about the same time. Obviously, I chose Josh. He seemed like the overall better candidate.

Is it bad that I really want to email him?

Must. Tell. Him. Of. Married. Status.

Must. Remember. Husband.

Notes from the Future: Pedro the Fire-Breathing Cowboy would later become a candidate for the House of Representatives. Go figure.

February 4, 2007

I can't take much more.

So, we went to our therapy appointment yesterday holding hands, chatting, whatever. We left with me crying and walking ahead of him, and him not talking. We haven't talked since.

It's just getting more unbearable to be around him.

He's snappy and sarcastic. He "jokes" with Kayden, but doesn't really seem to be joking and only seems to do it to make K cry. For example, we were all in K's room yesterday playing. Granted, it's very messy right now and K is still learning to pick up his toys when he's done playing with them. Josh started on about, "I think we need to get rid of all your toys. You have too many." Once K got upset, he said, "I'm just joking."

On Friday night, Josh had just finished dinner when I got home from work. He called K up to eat. As soon as K sat down, he saw an enchilada on his plate and said, "I don't like that." Without warning, Josh just said, "Go to your room." K whined for a bit, Josh said, "Okay then eat", K got up and went to his room. Obviously Josh was just using that as a scare tactic and K took him up on it.

It's gotten to be like this every day. He just brings down the mood of the house. It's always me putting Kayden to bed at night, instead of both of us. He never wants to go anywhere. He is constantly criticizing me about my parenting or griping at K.

I feel that I've been VERY supportive of him as a wife. He works in a low-paying, horrendously boring, no-benefits job and he's been there for nearly four years. Since the beginning, I've tried to get him to change jobs. I've offered to help with his resume or attend career classes with him. I've passed his name along to friends and acquaintances who would know of an opportunity.
If he were happy there, I would back off, but he's miserable there. I've tried asking, demanding, begging, bitching. Nothing works. Finally, a few months ago, he got really mad at me. He said I just wanted him to get a new job so we could get a bigger house and have more money for me to spend. I was so offended that I haven't bothered him about jobs since.

Most recently, Josh decided that he needed his own "private area" in the house to get away when he needs to. He suggested setting up a desk in our room where he'd put his laptop. I was supportive. I started speculating about how we could rearrange furniture to make it happen. I tried to get him to go desk-shopping. Finally, he said, "I was just being silly. A desk is too expensive and I probably wouldn't even use it." After that, I decided to swap the bookshelf in our room with our love seat. I told him that he could sit and do work on the loveseat. It was a temporary solution until we got him a desk. He seemed happy with the situation.

Okay, so back to our appointment:

Almost immediately, the session began with how uptight he's been. He started in on "I don't have anywhere to get away". I pointed out the loveseat thing, and how supportive I was about getting a desk. He just said, "The rearranging thing wasn't for my benefit...you just wanted another little project." I was pissed because that was ALL for his benefit. I don't just randomly move huge bookcases and couches for the hell of it. I brought up how I had tried to get him a desk and he pushed it away. He said he didn't remember.

And so it went on, any effort I've put into making him happy (helping him get a new job, trying to make a private area for him, etc.) was either placed into the "I don't know what you're talking about" category or the "You're just being selfish" category.

I don't think I can stand this.

But really, I feel trapped. K loves Josh (or rather, loves the old Josh: the one who played with him because he wanted to and not because he felt forced; he loves the Josh who took him to the park and the museum, not just stayed home all the time). K has already lost his dad in the sense of commitment and reliability. I don't want him to lose another father-figure. Josh loves him, but I don't think, at the rate he's going, that he would make time for K if we separated.

Aside from K, I really don't want to separate. This is a guy that I feel I could spend my life with. Well, the old Josh anyways. He used to be fun and attentive and loving and he adored me. Now he can barely stand to be around me and K. I've done every goddamn thing I can to be supportive and it's just wearing me out because he doesn't take in any of it.

For the longest time, my home life was the ONLY non-stressful aspect of my life. With my crazy family, stupid job, stressful school, raising a kid practically alone, dealing with debt...
I don't think I can handle anymore.

At times I just want to scream at him:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
When something is bothering me, I fix it. He just lives with it.

I hate to sound full of myself, but I'm a catch. I'm young, fun, smart, funny, ambitious, independent, self-reliant, make pretty good money, understanding, very low-maintenance, and frankly, I'm excellent in bed. Also, I think I'm a great wife. Even K is a catch (as far as kids go): he's fun, smart, funny, sensitive, very loving, and very well-behaved.

What the hell is wrong with Josh that he would drive us away?

This depression is a gradual downslide that seems to be gaining momentum the farther down he goes.

February 2, 2007

Queen.

One day, when I was in sixth grade, the teacher stepped out of the classroom.

Spurred on by one funny guy,

we broke out into a class-wide rendition of Queen's "We Will Rock You".

Fast-forward thirteen years to yesterday,

I picked up Kayden from the after-school care.

All the kids were singing "We Will Rock You", started by the Dude himself.

February 1, 2007

I'm out of my element here.

At work.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the lunchroom, reading a book.

There was a group of project managers and associate project managers.

All men, all very attractive, all in the mid-20s.

They were goofing around and stabbed some scissors into an orange. They called it art.

I said, "What does it symbolize?"

Stabber-Guy said, "It represents my impending marriage."

We all laughed and carried on. Then they began adding things to the orange: candy canes, pepper, etc.

I said, "No, no, no...it's the simplicity of the art piece that makes it all the more beautiful."

I was joking, but they didn't understand that. They just gave me weird looks.

I'm so misunderstood.