June 29, 2011

Things I Don't Understand

It has recently come to my attention that I don't understand. That's it. I just don't understand. I've realized this is a phrase I overuse: "I just don't understand _____________," which is pretty funny because I generally act like a know-it-all. Which is it, Kelli? You don't understand or you know everything? Can't have it both ways...

In any event, I don't understand...

...why a girl will wear stillettos to a dance club (ouch!) or a miniskirt in the cold winter air (brr!). No man's attention is worth that effort.

...why a girl feels the need to wear revealing clothes to catch a man's attention at all. Sure, you'll get plenty of attention. But is that the kind of attention you want? If you wear trampy, take-me-home clothes to meet men, then wonder why you never meet any quality men, you may be missing a valuable lesson here.

...why the royal wedding caused such a stir. But we all know I don't like weddings, so...

...what makes certain tattoos trashier than others? What exactly makes a 'tramp stamp' trampy? Because in 1997, suburban moms and frat boys across America met and decided they needed a new way to degrade young women? To come up with yet another way to keep her pressed firmly into a respectable, lady-like mold?

...why an American Girl doll is worth $100. What's so special about it? Does it pee out real urine or something? Is the hair made from the hair of a real princess? Does the doll protect your child like a Buckingham Palace guard while she sleeps? Tell me!

...why the government considered releasing photos of the body of Bin Laden.

...why my car has a built-in screen on the passenger-side visor. We can't figure out how to turn it on, much less what will happen once we do turn it on. I'm certain it must be technology leftover from an ancient alien race.

...why it is trendy to get breast implants that look like flesh-colored baseballs. Or bowling balls, if that's more your speed. Aren't they painful to lay on or run with? Or to bump into somebody with? Or just to look at? And all these sentences ending with prepositions lead me to...

...why split infinitives are so bad. While writing the last paragraph, I had to correct myself about four times. But I don't know why they are bad. It's like why you don't talk about money or politics or sex in a mixed crowd: I get that it's wrong, but I don't know why.

...why people blow so much money on a baby's first birthday party. Tell me, what do you remember about your first birthday? Or your second...or third, for that matter?

...pre-shredded cheese. Or rather, why someone will pay over four times the price, just for the sake of not shredding it.

...how any parent could kill his or her own child.

...how someone can think he or she will always be alone. With over six billion people on the planet, surely anyone can find a man or woman who will love you and treat you the way you deserve. Why settle for a lousy relationship just because you're scared of being alone forever?

...the war. I can understand why war has been necessary in the past. When reading history books about the Civil War or American Revolution, I'm given a clear sense of WHY we went to war. But for the life of me, I still can't figure out why we're at war with Iraq, Afghanistan, or any of these other places we're invading. When I ask intelligent people why, the answers vary...but at the base of each answer is a small (or large) nugget of confusion. This war has made me into an anti-war hippie.

...waiting to find out the sex of your unborn baby, in order to make the day more special. Now, if you have another reason for not wanting to know the gender, cool. I certainly don't think everyone is as impatient or as anti-surprises as me. But it is this particular reason that I don't understand: to make the day more special. Isn't giving birth to your kid already going to make the day pretty damn special? I wonder if these are the same parents who will, in a year, throw a thousand-dollar extravaganza to make the birthday party more special.

I'm sure I've offended at least one person with each statement. If you are one of those who are offended--or better yet, you aren't offended, but you know the answer to something--and can explain it to me, please do. I will personally thank you in my follow-up post, "Things I Now Understand Thanks to the Internet".

Update: I feel like the post can benefit from this video:

I want that little kid to come here and kick an American Doll over.


Rick said...

Fun post. I think you *do* understand some of these, you just don't understand why *other* people don't understand them.

I'm intrigued by your passenger-side visor question. Didja Google it?

And I agree with the shredded cheese thing. WTF. I don't even shred it, myself. The grater is a hassle to wash. Just chop it roughly with a knife. Amirite?

Kelli said...

Rick, I don't understand how some people understand these things...or have I misunderstood you? I'm feeling rather cross-eyed now.

Re: the visor, I tried googling "weird passenger-side screen" and "alien technology in jeeps" but haven't found anything yet. Keene took the screen out and discovered it's connected to a wire. So I have deduced it's not just a cardboard prop like what you find at a furniture store.

And you speak the truth about cheese.

Rick said...

Re: your understanding of others not understanding the things you don't understand but really do. For example, #2, "Why women wear revealing clothing to attract a mate" You understand *why* they do it... because they're insecure about their own personality and think they can't attract a mate with anything other than their tits. I understand it, you understand it, but we can't understand why *they* don't understand it. Understand?

I think your google search terms are a little sketchy. Maybe something like " passenger side visor screen" would work? I won't rest until this problem is solved. Well, I will, but I won't enjoy it.

Cheese. 'Nuff said.

Rick said...

Shit... blogger wonked my google search terms. Duh. Something like "{make} {model} {trim} passenger side visor screen" is what I *meant* to say.

Kelli said...

It's okay. I just assumed you were drunk.

I'll revisit the visor issue, because I can't condone unenjoyable rest.

Re: our mutual understanding of the lack of understanding of said women, I guess what I don't understand is IF they DO understand that they have more to offer than just a pair of tits, why do they still use those to attract a man? Why, Rick, why?

Maybe we're misunderstanding this altogether. Maybe they just like skimpy clothing because a crowded bar can get so hot and the constant breeze cools them down? Maybe we are over-thinking this.

Rick said...

Durnk? At 11 in the morning? What the Chizz?

I think you missed my point. They *don't* understand that they have more to give than a nice rack. OR, maybe they are so shallow, stupid, or both, that their rack is their best feature. You know, despite what they say, not everyone is beautiful on the inside. In fact, most are squishy, pink, and filled with bulging, putrid intestines.

Of course, I'm not trying to intimate that women with nice racks that wear suggestive clothing are automatically stupid. They're not. Hmmm... posting relatively well-intentioned but possibly misogynistic comments on a "craft/relationship/mommy/fine china" blog could get me in trouble.

Rick said...

And, I wasn't marginalizing the "craft/relationship/mommy/fine china" blog genre in any way. You know I'm a fan.

Kelli said...

Call this a mommy blog again, Rick, and I will ban you.


I get what you're saying, though. I want someone to weigh in on it, though. I really do wonder what their motivations are, if she thinks it's related to her self-esteem, or if I'm missing something altogether.

Rick said...

I figured you'd be more pissed about the "fine-china" reference. You are *not* a mommy blogger. Duly noted. Duly.

Yes, please find a very attractive woman with large tits that likes to wear suggestive clothing that lives around the Chicagoland area to weigh in on this.