January 3, 2011

Arts and Crafts and Inappropriate Paper Dolls

I am determined to ruin the lives of my children. I do this in subtle ways: by not letting them watch television, by not letting them eat entire candy bars in one sitting, and by making them do creative activities rather than playing video games.

And so it came to pass one Saturday morning. Keene was at the store, probably spending an hour deliberating between which kind of bacon to buy. You see, I will adamantly not eat regular bacon. But the kids don't like my turkey bacon. And Keene, well, being from California, likes that weird non-bacon, non-meat Play-Doh-looking stuff.

He calls it "faken," rhyming with "bacon."

But that's not the point. The point is that while he was gone, I decided to ruin Maia's life by not helping her look for her lost Nintendo DS. Instead, I introduced her to the concept of paper dolls. And not just paper dolls, but...wait for it...homemade paper dolls.

With cardstock and coloring pencils, we got to work on a Maia paper doll. Complete with colored feathers in her hair. After I sketched each piece of clothing, she colored it to her liking. Once Paper-Maia had a sizeable wardrobe, we made hangers and a bar for her dollhouse closet.

Oh, and hey, Paper-Maia even has a Frogger hat:

After eating breakfast, I went out for some lunchtime drinks because hey, it was a Saturday. I came home, drank some more with Keene, because hey, it was still Saturday. Then got back to work on the paper dolls.

This is Paper-Maia, from the Heist series:

"This is a stick-up!" yells Paper-Maia, before pistol-whipping the bank-teller, as she sports trendy cutoff jean capris and an '80s-style striped tee.

At this time, I decided Keene also needed a paper doll. I sketched and erased and sketched and erased...

By the time he returned home from wherever he had been trying to run, I was finished:

I proudly showed Paper-Keene to Real-Keene. Who said, "Am I really that chunky?" I looked at Paper-Keene and back at Real-Keene. "It's not chunky!" I said, taking offense. "I think it looks just like you!" He replied, "Okay, but could you at least get rid of my gunt?"

**Note to readers: if you do not know what a gunt is, please do not ask anybody. Especially not your boss or teenage daughter. And especially do not Google this. It is nothing you really need to know and you most certainly do not need to see.**

I erased the offending lines and Keene warmed up to his paper-self.

He even mimicked Paper-Keene's happy frollicking:

After all the merriment at having a paper-twin had died down, I determined that Paper-Keene needed some clothes. But not just any clothes...he needed some groovy, rico suave clothes:

And detachable mustache, of course.

But as night descended upon us, Groovy Paper-Keene morphed into...

Monster-Paper-Keene! RAAAAARRRRR!!!

And that, my friends, is what a typical Saturday with me is like. You just never know when or where or how the fun will strike. Will you even consider it fun when it does strike? Or will it just be semi-awkward laughing and cringing and wishing I would fall asleep already?

You. Just. Never. Know.


Rick said...

I like how you close with a photo of yourself looking all crazy and shit. "Yes, this is the person who just typed all that nuttery onto the internet. You're looking right at her. And she did it like a boss." Impressive.

Happy New Year BTW!

Kelli said...

Happy New Year to you too! How did you spend your evening? We partied hard over here: coffee, board games, and okra pickles. It was wild, man. WI-LD.

Rick said...

The boy and I stayed up all night long, fueled by pizza rolls, bagel bites, candy and video games. At midnight, we clinked our glasses of sparkling grape juice and banged pots and pans outside. Okra pickles? You win.

Rick said...

BTW, this is the funniest post of the year. Just so you know.

Rick said...

And I didn't mean to imply that you looked crazy in that photo. Well, I did, but not in a bad way.

Kelli said...

What are you talking about? It's the ONLY post of the year. Oh wait, no it's not. Hmmph.

I'm trying to set aside a weekly time slot each week for writing (not just blogs, but actual writing). It's turning out to be harder than one would think. Especially when it's brrrr-cold outside.

Kelli said...

We also had those little poppers that burst and shoot confetti everywhere. Because of this, we have determined that Scar Cat (the one with herpes) might also be deaf. Or maybe he wasn't, but is now.

Rick said...

* We tried to get the poppers as well, but failed. We enjoyed the sound of gunfire in the distance instead.

* Our cat is deaf. How are we sure? Because she's the LOUDEST FUCKING CAT IN THE WORLD.

* Nugget of wisdom for 2011 RE your writing: "Action Precedes Motivation." Don't make time to write. Don't schedule time to write. Don't form a committee to discuss a plan of how to start thinking about trying to write. Just write. Easy for me to say, amirite?

* How's your new job?

Kelli said...

True dat, about just writing. I just wrote about blah blah blah no time blah blah blah busy. But then I decided to just delete the excuses and fucking do it already. See? I can be taught!

The job is going pretty well. There are lots of bizarre and interesting things I would love to write about, but probably shouldn't since my boss knows of this blog. Not that it's *bad,* just...interesting.

But, in any event, I do a lot of different stuff from day to day, so it keeps me busy and happy.

Rick said...

Well, just don't get yourself Dooce'd, okay? And best to you and your family for the new year.

I spent a little time reading some of your early posts about Keene, and I just want you to know that your story is inspiring to read. I'm sure that's weird to hear from some random internet stranger, but... there you go. Keep up the good work. :)

The Blonde Duck said...

Popped in from 20 something bloggers! I like this much better than flat stanley.

Kelli said...

LOL @ Blonde Duck. Flat Stanley would never have the cojones to pistol-whip anybody.