September 22, 2010

Bums and Popsicles

My sister is hilarious. And when she and I get together, worlds of snarkiness come together, creating a supernova of sarcasm. Nobody is safe when this happens.

I instant-messaged with my sister today. She mentioned our mom showed up at her house earlier that day. I said, "I thought she was in jail...?"

My sister replied:

"No, she was in a rehab with a contingency to not leave the rehab or she'd have to do 6 months in jail. So she got kicked out for punching some lady in the face. I pulled up in my driveway, all the kids were with me cuz it was my weekend with them. She had some asshole sitting on my front porch and she came walking from out of my backyard.

"She'd gone ahead and pulled lawn chairs from my backyard out front to make her and her haggardly guest more comfy, and helped herself to popsicles that were in my freezer in the garage.

"Drunk as usual, she lied about being drunk at first, bummed a smoke, asked for money, I told her to leave, she wanted a hug, I told her to leave before I punched her n the face, she asked if she could bum some more cigarettes, I told her I was calling the cops to come pick her up, she finally left.

"Oh i forgot, when all the kids got out of the truck she staggered around each of them, calling them the wrong names and saying their wrong birthdates, reassuring them that they have cards in the mail."

I said, "So is she just back on the street, heading up her bum mafia?"

My sister said, "Yeah, except she's got this warrant now, so she won't be out too long. At least she took the time to brag about the tree she sleeps under."


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