August 13, 2010

Sexy Gift Ideas

This article turned out to be a midnight-hour collaborative effort between me and Keene. Sometimes our "creative voices" are so similar, I can't remember who wrote what parts. Huh.

(Reposted from Ask Dan & Jennifer)

You’re looking to get a sexy gift, eh? Well, this is the internet. You’ll have no trouble finding plenty of suggestions here. From garter belts and sensual candles to fake ding-dongs and edible jock straps, it’s all here. But you’ll have to put a little thought into it if you want to really impress anyone. After all, the brain is our most important sex organ and, when it comes to sexy gifts, the thought really does count.

“Help me out here,” you’re probably saying. “If I wanted to think, I wouldn’t have turned on my computer and Googled ‘sexy gift ideas.’” Well, go ahead and order the Ima Virgin Sexy Bride costume then. But deep down you’ll know that you just picked something off of the first page of search results. Even worse, so might your partner! Trust me. Put out a little bit of effort and it will be worth it.

First of all, does your partner have any fantasies? If you know what they are, your job is pretty easy. Many times, however, you won’t. People tend to be shy about these things. Do a little digging. If you happen to find out, for example, that your babe has dreams where she’s a damsel in distress and you’re her knight in shining armor, a trip to Medieval Times might get the night off to a great start. Maybe his fantasy is to be with nurse. Don’t stop at buying (or renting for the risk-taking folks) a costume. Arrange an evening that puts him in a “hospital” bed—maybe even where he is incapable of moving, due to whatever injuries you have concocted—with you taking care of his every…need.

Do something surprising. A dim desk lamp with a light blue cloth over it makes a great fake moon. Set up a moonlit beach picnic in your living room. Googling ‘sexy gift ideas’ won’t point you towards the Ocean Moods CD, but that can be part of your plan. With the right background ambiance, a bottle of Yellowtail wine, and a basket full of goodies, you’ve got yourself some sex on the beach in the privacy of your living room (without the sand in your you-know-what). What’s more, this can be yours for under a grand total of thirty bucks. You can bet she’ll be bragging to her buddies about the crazy, romantic, sexy thing her man did last night!

Or maybe a beach setting isn’t his thing. Maybe your man prefers the rustic outdoors in a camp setting. Pitch a tent (ahem!) in the living room—though I don’t recommend driving stakes into the floor—and roast s’mores. Rather than telling scary stories, take turns telling erotic stories.

Creativity is the key here. You can be as tame or as raunchy as you think is appropriate. The point is, you’re the one who knows. Or, at least, you’re the one in the best position to figure it out. It’s all the things that happen day to day that inspire the thoughts that come to us by night. Don’t be afraid of looking nerdy or whipped. Pay attention to what’s going on. Listen. Try new things.

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