June 10, 2010

A Singles Mixer?! Pretty Sneaky, Mormons.

Last night, I received a letter in the mail from my local ward. I thought excitedly (yet a little sad that my journey to quit Mormonism should end so suddenly), "This is it! This is the final letter." I opened it:

Dear Kelli,

YSA Conference
You may have already heard about the upcoming Denver Area Young Single Adult Conference. As a bishopric, we would like to directly invite you to attend this conference, which will include young single adults from fourteen area stakes. Activities, workshops, speakers, service, and socializing will combine to create the weekend event of the summer.

Invite Your Friends
In addition to attending the conference yourself, we encourage you to invite at least five other friends.

Denver Area YSA Multi-Stake Conference
June 18-20, 2010
$18 per person

To register and view the conference agenda visit:

Sincerely, the Cherry Creek Ward Bishopric

(with hand-written signatures below)

I've been put on the mailing list? Or are they trying to sway me from leaving by setting me up with a nice, Mormon boy and dance lessons (yes, this is on the agenda)? I told you guys: banana bread. I will come back to the church for some warm, delicious banana bread.**

Here is my response:

Dear Mr. Mott, Mr. Zirker, and Mr. Thompson,

I received your invitation to the Denver Area Young Single Adult Conference. I must admit, it sounds like fun and I thought about going. However, my boyfriend (who is agnostic, natch) got upset when he learned it was a singles mixer. “You aren’t even single!” he said. I assured him I wouldn’t kiss anybody (is there even kissing at these events?), but he just doesn’t understand. I thought about using this as an opportunity to pressure him into marriage again (I swear, men just cannot commit), but decided against it.

As such, I will not be attending.

I shouldn’t blame it all on him, though. Unfortunately, there is a major music festival which coincides with your event, and I just can’t pass that up. Moreover, I would love to invite my best friend, Kortney, as per your request. But she won’t attend any event which doesn’t serve beer. I don’t know how I have surrounded myself with such strange people.

Thank you for the invite. I hope your event goes swimmingly.


Kelli Petersen

P.S. By the by, have you received my request to quit the Church?

** I will not actually come back to the Church for warm, delicious banana bread.

1 comment:

Joshua said...

YAY!!! Bravo!!! I must say, though, I'd totally go to this event to see what's up there, save for the fact that that would totally embolden them in their pursuit to eternally cement your Mormon status.