June 30, 2010

Everyone Loves an Asian Girl...and Other True-Dats

Did you know blenders bleed?

I've had this blender for about five years. It's a Cuisinart, which is a pretty good quality brand, right? We first noticed the blender was sick a few months ago, when, upon blending, it emitted a slight odor. Maybe passing gas is a sign that the end is nearing? As is typical in our household, we ignored it.

But then the blood started.

It began innocuously enough: a single drop on the counter. I wiped it away without a thought as to what caused the black splotch. Then it happened again. And again. Every time we used the blender, it died a little more. Looking back now, I see the sacrifice it made for us. With each spiked piña colada or late-night smoothie, it dripped more of its life onto the counter. And still, it kept blending.

Within the last week, it has become impossible to ignore the blood. Not only does it trickle out from the crevices while blending, reminiscent of the bleeding walls in Amityville Horror...


It also spits out a final gush after it is turned off.


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Marie Callendar pot pies do not like to be eaten:


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As is evident by the pot pie dinners and excessive piña coladas, the kids are not home very much for the summer. While Maia is visiting her mom in Las Vegas until August, Kayden stays with his dad every other week. When you have a blended family, it splits into about thirty directions during the summertime.

For all the fun they are having with their respective families, I think the kids miss each other (though they would never admit it).

I took a stealth picture of Kayden talking on the phone to Maia, trying to make her laugh:

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Last week, I paid for gas at a station. After I handed the money to the elderly attendant, he gave me a strange look. I hesitated at the door, wondering if I short-changed him.

Then he said, "Dear, you aren't Asian."

I said, "No."

After a pause, he laughed and said, "I like that."
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One of the best reasons to learn to moonwalk is practice in the aisles of grocery stores, to a bathroom stall, or while walking down the line of Subway.


You can tell this is at Subway, because Keene has no idea what he wants on his sub.


A note to Subway: there are a lot of people out there who neither know nor care what goes on their sub. If you want to help these people out, offer an "Indecisive Ingester" option, in which your knowledgeable employees just create a tasty sub without further instructions.

You want to watch something funny? Ask a Subway employee to add whatever they think would be tasty and watch the "um"s fly. Alternatively, you can ask, "What usually goes on it?"

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I can't think of a way to explain these advertisements or to elaborate on why I'm posting them here, suffice to say they are laughingly horrible:


1 comment:

Joshua said...

Oh my God, you're so hot!