April 26, 2010

Oh yeah. I forgot that I don't like kids.

There are many kids out there that remind me of why I don't like kids. Sure, they're cute (sometimes) and tend to have better clothes than me. But my dislike doesn't just stem from jealousy. They earn my prejudice. They totally justify it.

Take yesterday, for example. We threw Maia's 6th birthday party.

("Threw it where? Har har har!" you may be saying and thinking how clever you are. To this I reply, "Threw it in your face because you weren't invited! How does that taste?")

Keene reserved the movie theater at our apartment complex for the day. We live in a pseudo-fancy apartment complex which has a movie theater, in addition to the fancy pool I brag about all summer. We set up all the important party things such as Twister, a hula hoop, a video camera, cake with weird polka dots and stripes, and four 2-liters of soda. Even though we don't really drink soda, Keene was very excited at how cheap they were. He's not allowed at the store alone now.

The little girls started trickling in at 2:00. As they walked in, I over-enthusiastically greeted their parents because I didn't want them to be weirded out by me like many of my son's friend's parents are upon first meeting. It may be the zebra coat or crooked bangs or the fact that, on some days, I look and act about ten years older than Kayden. I'm not really sure. But on this particular day, my bangs were pinned back and I was wearing a nice, somewhat dressy shirt and clean-ish jeans.

We played a little Twister while waiting for everybody to arrive. What I didn't realize when I bought the game is that it is meant for adults, not 6-year-old girls. While they had fun, it turned out to be like a session of Hatha Yoga for them. But without the peace. There is no meditation in the world of little girls. That would require they close their mouths once in a while.

So, the girls were all nice and adorable and well-behaved and this made me happy. Well-behaved children are like Xanax for me. I started thinking, "Aw, they aren't so bad. I shouldn't be so harsh in my decision to hate children."

But then, I realized that one little girl was not like the rest. While they were all loud and screamy (which is cool...I'm loud and screamy too, so I can relate), this one was not good at listening.

"No, no, the buttons on the wall are only for adults to push."

"No, don't leave the room. You need to stay in here."

"No, I said don't touch those buttons."

"No, let Maia open her own presents."

"I said let Maia open her own presents."

"No, you can't take other kids' toys."

To me, it says a lot about a kid who won't obey adults who aren't their parents. I mean, it is their job to push the boundaries with the parents a little bit. But to push the boundaries of a strange, new adult? What are you, child, a psychopath or something?

At one point, another little girl said to Annoying Girl, "This isn't your birthday, it's Maia's. Quit opening her presents." I wanted to sweep that child up and give her a big kiss on the forehead for her sense of snarkiness and for standing up for the birthday girl. But I'd get arrested and jail is just no way to spend a Saturday.

Now, maybe it's because, as a child, I was shy and mostly respectful (yes, it's true!). But I just can't understand what makes a child feel it's okay to grab the birthday candles off someone else's cake as soon as they're blown out or to hit an adult with a stuffed animal that had just graciously been given to her.

Nevertheless, Keene the child-whisperer later said, "I think she's great! She's a firecracker." I replied, "Well, that's fine, but I'm staying at a hotel if she ever spends the night."

So in conclusion, I probably don't hate all kids.. Just the bad, misbehaving ones. And since that seems to include about 80% of the kids I meet, it's safe to categorically say that I dislike 80% of kids in the whole wide world.

I bet you're saying, "Sheesh, what a witch." Well, it's true. I am a witch...with big shark teeth (I meant to type "sharp," but "shark" works even better). Now please go and inform the children of this.

No comments: