April 16, 2010

Give Him a Break...or Give Him the Boot?

(Reposted from Ask Dan & Jennifer)

Ugh! Saying relationships can be frustrating is a disgusting understatement. They can make you scream, cry, pull at your hair, and even pull at his hair—though I would advise against this. There are times when you really wonder if this relationship is worth the effort you put into it, like when you catch him telling a small lie or when he stands you up for dinner. When you are questioning (again!) whether you should forgive him, consider a few things.

Here’s an example scenario: your boyfriend goes out with his friends one Friday night. He says they went to the bar, had a few drinks, then he went home. While this part is true, he is telling a lie of omission by not informing you that it was, in fact, a strip club where they drank…something you angrily learn about through a mutual friend. Is this a deal-breaker?

Was It A Mistake, Or Was It Intentional?
Did he genuinely forget to tell you the part about naked women being at the bar? It’s hard to believe, but this part could possibly have slipped his mind—especially if there was a lot of imbibing that night.

Does He Know How You Feel About ___________?
If you do not approve of him going to a strip club, does he know this? Have you told him explicitly how it makes you feel? If you haven’t, you cannot expect him to read your mind. Getting upset with him for going against your wishes, when he didn’t even know what your wishes were, is unreasonable. Be honest and very clear about your feelings.

Has This Happened Before?
This is a big sign of blatant disrespect if you have been open about your feelings, yet he commits the offense anyways. Assuming you are not being unreasonable (such as demanding he never again see the friend who drags him to strip clubs), he should want to make you happy. So if he knows you will be upset about something, yet still does it, this will likely not improve with time or effort.

What Is The Reason For His Behavior?
Let’s say he knows you don’t approve of him going to a strip club, yet goes anyway. Why is he doing it? Does he worry about looking “whipped” in front of his friends? If this is true, he will likely not change, which can lead to more problems down the road. Does he disagree with you about your imposed rule? Then this isn’t a deal-breaker, so much as a reason for further communication and possible compromise on the matter.

Each situation must be felt out to decide how you should handle it. It is hard to think about where you may be wrong in the heat of the moment. Yet in some cases, it is worth looking inward before making a snap judgment about the future of your relationship. Nevertheless, if you are simply not being respected by him, no amount of time or energy on your part can fix that.

1 comment:

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