March 16, 2010

How to Date a Married Man

(Reposted from

Disclaimer: This is never a good idea. No matter how you think it may end, it will end badly. This is not a movie, in which he is misunderstood by his wife and you are the only one who “gets” him. His wife will inevitably find out about you. Besides, there are millions of single men in the world. Try dating one of them, before shacking up with somebody who has already been claimed.

Okay, so if you are still reading this, you probably don’t care to hear lectures. You know what can (and will!) go wrong, but frankly, the pros outweigh the cons, right? At least for the moment. What you really want to know is how do you date a married man?

The first thing you don’t do is leave a paper trail. Do not text, email, or write notes. This is very hard to avoid, as it is often the primary source of contact. Yahoo Messenger or other instant messaging programs may seem tempting; however, to a snooping wife, archived files are very easy to access.

When you date a married man, you must prepare yourself to be lonely. You will spend many nights alone while he is at home with his family. Yet you cannot call him or see him whenever you want. You will have to resign yourself to seeing him on his schedule. It is extremely important that you do not call. The classic call-and-hang-up is a dead giveaway to his wife, if she answers the phone.

Also, you must give up the expectation that he will leave his wife for you. When it has finally happened, that’s when you can believe it. Before then, just assume it is lip service. There are many reasons a man feels obligated to stay with his family, but very few reasons for him to throw caution to the wind and leave. If you stop worrying about when he’ll leave, you will be able to live in the moment better.

Next, don’t let anyone find out: not your friends, not your family, not your coworkers (especially if you and the man you’re seeing work together). This is a very common mistake made in affairs. The more people become involved, the more likely it is to get back to his wife.

Finally, really think about what is in it for you. After months of being treated as a secret, you may feel resentful. Is this guy really worth the hassle of not seeing him when you want, not being able to call, having to tiptoe around your feelings? Don’t stay as a favor to him. Figure out what you need in a partner and decide on your own if this man can truly fulfill those needs.

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