February 27, 2010

The Boho goes redneck.

Love this website. Punch in an address, pick a dialect, and let the good times roll.


(This version is actually better than the original article. Fancy that!)

Th' Culture of Sugar-Pawdies

We haf all heard sto'ies of sugar-Pawdies. Famously, Henrietta Nicole Smif, a fo'mer Playfella model an' spokesmodel, married up wif an 89-year-old billionaire. He repo'tedly lavished her wif expensive gif's an' maintained a luxurious lifestyle fo' her. But were they acshully in love? Was this hyar not so much a relashunship as it was a business transackshun? Most impo'tantly, kin this hyar setup pow'ful be beneficial t'etch of th' varmints involved?

As Samantha fum th' tellyvishun show, Sex an' th' City, once said, “Money is power. Sex is power. Tharfo'e, gittin' money fo' sex is simply an exchange of power.” Th' relashunship of a sugar-Pappy (a man who provides money an'/o' gif's t'an offen-much-yo'nger woomin, in exchange fo' her compenny) t'his “ward” is offen one of power. While it starts out wif th' woomin havin' mo'e corntrol (gatherin' gif's while wifholdin' her affeckshuns), it usually does not last. By allerin' th' woomin t'become dependent on him financially, he starts t'gain th' upper han'. He may begin exercisin' this hyar by denyin' her sartin freedoms: choosin' whut she wars o' how she does her hair, decidin' how they will spend their time, an' offen, isolatin' her fum varmints her own age.

Howevah, is all sugar-Pappy situashuns based on th' control of one varmint on over t'other? Kin it acshully be based on love? Absolutely. Thar is sartinly situashuns in which a yo'nger woomin junerally falls in love of a much older (an' wealthier) man, as enny fool kin plainly see. Howevah, once thet kind of extreme gif'-givin' precedent is in place, it becomes harder t'separeete love fum mere appreeciashun.

In th' absence of love, though, whut separeetes a sugar-baby (th' recipient of a sugar-Pappy’s lavishin') fum a prosteetoote? They both give their time an' compenny (an' offen, sex) in exchange fo' money o' fines. One c'd argue thet th' sugar-Pappy is essentially takin' her off th' market an' keepin' her as his own private exco't—sumpin thet high-class professhunal services occashunally provide. So whut is th' difference? Thet is, unfo'tunately, a quesshun fo' th' ages (an' offentimes, fo' th' courts).

Finally, eff'n th' sugar-Pappy setup is akin t'a power struggle an' th' control on over t'other hoomin bein', an' kin even be cheapened t'thet of a john’s relashunship t'his prosteetoote, how kin it postibly be beneficial t'th' varmints involved? One wo'd: loneliness. While thet wealthy man spent his intire career on overwawked yet succeedin', he may haf not had time t'find a partner. As he retches an age whar he kinnot easily meet a woomin, he may find it mo'e cornvenient t'“buy” compenny. He may mighty fine unnerstan' she is aroun' only fo' his money. Yet it offen seems th' men is okay wif this. He gits whut he be hankerin': someone t'spend time wif him, mebbe even haf sex wif him, in his later years. On t'other han', she gits whut she be hankerin': a lavish lifestyle, which she may not haf experienced otherwise. An' yessuh, mebbe she even appreesheeates th' compenny he provides. No one is immune t'love, af'er all, ah reckon.

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