January 18, 2010

I have realized a couple things.

First, I over-analyze things. Yes, it's true. Calm down, I know this is a shock to you. But I also over-analyze my emotions. A lot. If I feel upset or sad or anything, I roll it around to figure out what I'm feeling and why. I beat it, run tests on it, perform complicated mathematical theorems on it, put it in a blender and puree it...and then after I have figured out exactly what I am feeling and why, I let it out like a kidnapped victim finally seeing the light of day after a week. Needless to say, my emotions are then very much in control and mellow. Because of this, I have been told that I'm hard to read, that I put on a good mask, whatever.

The second realization I had is that when I can't have my time to beat up my emotions, when I just let them fly, I feel crazy. One of my biggest fears since childhood is that I'd go crazy like my mom. Because of this, I think that's why I am so careful to figure out why I feel the way I do at times. When I get really upset and just let any emotions rush out at once, I kick myself and freak out and worry that I'm going crazy. It may sound silly, but I was up all night Friday, crying my eyes out about this.

Some of you may not know this, but I have a problem with anxiety. Yes, this is also true. I once talked to a doctor about getting on anxiety pills, but she said that, with my family history, she would advise against it, as it could induce a bipolar rage. That freaked me out and I haven't pursued it since.

Okay, so, getting back to my talk with Keene. I told him all about the stuff I just said. We talked about how therapy may be a good idea. I said the reason I don't like therapy is because I analyze myself so much that there is nothing a therapist has been able to tell me that I didn't already know. I know exactly why I act the way I do. I know how my childhood affects my relationships. I know all this stuff about myself, so what can a therapist tell me? My past experiences were very lame, with them always agreeing with my analyses (and sometimes even saying, "I didn't think of that!"). Keene made a great point that I should look into a psychologist with a PhD, one who knows a lot of fancy techniques and ideas that I don't. No more therapists with just a Masters and bestseller self-help books on their shelves.

(But that being said, I don't know exactly what I would go to therapy for or what I would want out of it. I'll have to think this over more beforehand...)

Oh, okay. So the reason why this talk was really good is that it made me realize WHY I get so upset about small things and it made him realize that I need this time to process my thoughts, otherwise, he gets a sudden burst of shouty anger from me. We also discussed things that set each other off and how we can avoid this in the future. For example, he needs to be clearer about why he means vs. what he says. I need to let him explain himself before jumping down his throat. And I should probably smoke a little more weed when I'm feeling antsy.

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