November 6, 2009

My high school BFF died.

We met in 7th grade, but weren't really friends. However, one day at school, she confided in me that she was planning to kill herself the next day. I kind of brushed it off, because, if you knew Tori, she was dramatic. The next day rolled around. I kept thinking and thinking about what if she actually did it and I didn't stop it. So I called and invited her to the movies. We became close friends after that.

Along with Aryn, it was the three of us all through junior high. We stayed friends throughout high school and after. But then Aryn and I had a falling-out with Tori a few years ago over some nonsense.

I had just started talking with her again last year.

I haven't been close to her in years. However, for ten years of my life (nearly one-third), she was my best friend. We used to talk about moving to California together. She visited me nearly every weekend when I was shipped off to Wyoming to live with my grandparents.

There were a couple other times when she talked about suicide throughout our friendship. I remember when we were 17 and I was living in Wyoming, she called to tell me she was on the edge. I cried and cried and talked to her. I even wrote a poem about how I couldn't live without her (yeah, I was a pretty dramatic teenager myself).

So now that she's finally gone through with it...well, I'm struggling. Like I should have been there for her once more. I know that's totally unreasonable. We grew apart and I couldn't be her crutch forever.

Honestly, I never thought she'd go through with it.

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