August 18, 2009

Regret.

I can definitively say that those friends who were against Keene and I moving in together? Yeah, they told me so. I have strong weekly (almost daily) bouts of regret, feeling stupid, naive, and trapped.

It has been nearly two months and things aren't any better.

But what the hell do I do about it? I can't break a lease. Kayden LOVES this apartment, and many times he really enjoys playing with Maia. I still adore Keene, but this all too much. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have moved.

Not to mention, if we moved, what would be the point of dating still? I mean, it would be obvious that nothing could ever grow from it.

Does the good outweigh the bad?

So far, the good is that I do see Keene every day, which I love. However, this isn't really quality time. It's like while cooking dinner or doing chores or when he's checking his emails and stuff. Sometimes on the weekends, we'll watch a movie together while I crochet.

The other good stuff: he cooks most nights, Kayden sometimes enjoys playing with Maia, our apartment is neat...

That's it. Seeing him every day is pretty much the only great part.

The bad is that I have to deal with Maia every single day (and I feel like I'm the evil stepmother whenever I ask her to do a chore). Let me tell you: living in a house with a kid who is not your own is really fucking hard. I don't think I gave Josh enough credit in that department.

I wake up every single morning from loud noises caused by the two of them (they don't know the concept of "quiet"), Keene's junk is still everywhere, I do most of the cleaning/bossing kids around, I don't feel appreciated, Keene still finds the occasional time for his band, I have no space of my own (even my side of the desk is constantly cluttered with his shit), we have even less alone-time together because he probably feels we see each other enough now...

Ugh. I just hate it. I've been counting down how many months until the lease expires (though I don't know what that would even mean).

I love heading home from work every day, because I look forward to seeing him. But then I get home and it all crashes down again.

I have told him that I don't think we are compatible living together, that I worry we made the wrong choice. I talk to him about everything that bothers me. And he's super supportive, says we can work it out. But nothing seems to have changed.

I was so clear prior to moving in that I wanted a date-night at least every other week. He even agreed with it, said he'd start setting something up. Um, nope. Nothing. I think he relies on me to do it for him, to find him a babysitter. That, above all else, is what I think makes me feel resentful: that we don't get a break from Maia. She constantly interrupts conversations, always needs attention. And most of the time, Keene allows it without thinking it through.

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I looked into prices of smaller apartments in the same complex. As a VERY LAST resort, I could transfer my part of the lease into a different apartment. It would only be about $100 more than my last apartment, and it'd still be in the neighborhood/complex that Kayden loves.

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Okay, whew. I've made a list of the points we must address, in order to focus my thoughts:

- Will no longer babysit Maia for band practice or when he wants to hang out with friends, until we start getting more alone-time

- Both of us will have to establish daily rules and chores (one of which will include that both kids must pick up all toys out of living room and kitchen before bedtime)

- All this junk he's planning to sell must be actively listed on Craigslist/eBay, or it's going to Goodwill

- Keene and Maia have to be more respectful of other people in the household. This means being quieter while others are sleeping, giving us space when we clearly want it (even Kayden has moments of wanting to be left alone...Maia has driven him to cry because she wouldn't stop bugging him while he was sick)

- Make a point to spend positive alone-time with each other's kid, at least every week or two...this will help me feel not so evil-stepmom-ish.

- Regular bedtimes. I can't stress this enough. Kayden's bedtime is a strict 8:30 on weeknights, 9:00 on weekends. Maia's is really up in the air. She has to have a bath and read and eat dessert and maybe read again and sing and... some nights, she's not in bed until 10pm.

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