May 12, 2008

Oh. Dear. God. I have a...boyfriend?

::hyperventilating::

Okay, so here's what happened. A little back story first: remember that time a few weeks ago when I acted like a 'tard and brought Daniel to Falling Rock, only to discover ______ hanging out there? I saw him, swore, and high-tailed it out of there. I hadn't really talked to _______ since then, figured he was mad but that he would get over it.

So, last night, Kort and I were hanging out and everyone was having a good old time and _______ seemed like himself again. We did shots, drank a whole bunch. We met a cool girl named Katherine and hung out with her. At one point, her friend ditched her so she kept hanging out with us.

Around 11:30-ish, Kort and I left and went to her house. I immediately passed out. At 4 a.m., I woke up and glanced at my phone and saw that ______ had called at 2:30 a.m. I called him back (he's a total night person, so I knew he'd be up still). He said, "Hey, we're here watching a movie...why don't you come over?" So I went over there...to find only Katherine and him watching a movie. I instantly got weirded out, but tried not to read into the situation. I hugged Katherine and sat down. At one point, ________ looked at us and said, "what am I going to do with the two of you?" My weirdness of the situation went up a couple notches. Then, he said, "why don't we just skip the movie and get in the steam shower?" Okay, THAT pissed me off. I stood up and said I was leaving. He followed me, said I was being silly, that he was joking, and it wasn't like that at all. Katherine got upset and asked if she should leave. I said "no, of course not," but told _________ I needed to talk with him.

So, we went outside and talked. He said Katherine didn't have a ride home and lived really far away, so she was going to crash at his place...totally innocent. I believed that. Then we talked about what happened that Sunday I brought Daniel in. He said it really upset him that I basically dismissed him and treated him like shit (by not saying hi or anything...just turning around and walking out). I apologized and acknowledged that I had been a jackass, to which he agreed. I get the sense that he, even though he wouldn't admit it, was really jealous of Daniel. He kept calling him "that pierced punk" or that "pierced kid".

This led the conversation to where we were going with this. We agreed that we didn't like being just, well, you know. I said I wanted to be with him but he's too big of a flake (except I said it more nicely). He explained that he's the only child of a single mother and that he hated that his mom had so many boyfriends. He said he didn't want to be just "one asshole among many"...which I guess would explain his flakiness.

Then I asked what he wanted. He said he likes me a lot, that I "blow his mind in many ways," and that he wants to be with me. He also said that he wanted to see where this goes, but doesn't think it'll work out ultimately because of our schedules...but he'd like to give it a try. He also said that he'd be willing to "take on a family" in a sense, get to know Kayden someday (he still hasn't met him and I told him he probably wouldn't for a while).

He then asked what I wanted and I said I wanted to give it a shot also. He asked if I would be okay not seeing anyone else...I said yes. I asked the same, and he said he hasn't been seeing anyone besides me anyways.

Soooooooooo...we called it good, decided we'd like to make this work, but would try to not make it weird at the bar if it doesn't work out.

Needless to say, I'm pretty much scared shitless at the prospect of a relationship. But I like him too much to let him go...which is what I think would have happened if I said I wasn't ready to stop seeing other guys. I think it was really bothering him. While I do like Daniel and I really like being single...I think I like ________ more...enough to make that sacrifice. I always have. I think we have a great connection and I have a lot more fun and a lot better conversations with him than any other guy I've met.

After we talked and settled things (he said he was so glad we were able to have this talk...that we should have done it sooner), we went inside to find Katherine gone. I felt so bad and asked ________ to apologize for her next time he saw her (he said that was stupid, that I had nothing to be sorry about). We lay down on his couch and watched a movie. He asked when I was free next and that if I'm free tonight, I should just swing by...not even call first. Weird.

All in all, as I said, I'm pretty much scared...don't know what to expect. I'm worried about it not lasting, and then losing him for good. I'm worried that it won't be worth giving up Daniel and the Courier and the cute hippies and all the other guys I've been meeting. I think it will be worth it, but I'm just worried. This is me pretty much overanalyzing. At the same time, I am extremely happy that we're not in this gray area anymore.

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