May 8, 2008

Dear Brain o'Kelli

Dear Brain o' Kelli,

I am writing today to express my dissatisfaction with your performance of late. I know you find it terribly amusing to wake me up in the middle of the night and make me think I am seeing creatures or people in my house. And I will admit, we do share quite a laugh over these little tricks of yours.

However, I do not find it quite so entertaining when I wake up to find you are creating these hallucinations in the living room of the man with whom I'm sleeping. It is very hard to explain to him why I said I couldn't spend the night because I didn't want to sleep in a construction site.

I treat you well, right? I give you plenty of crossword puzzles and stimulating reading material and intellectual conversations that are like masturbation for the mind. We have a good time and get along swimmingly. However, if you don't put an end to these little pranks, I will be forced to slowly kill you and all of your jab of the Q-Tip at a time. I really want to avoid this solution, but if pushed, I will take drastic measures.


P.S. And cut the shit with the headaches, a'ight? They make me irritable.

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