February 14, 2008

I'm trying to not get into it with Josh.

This is some of the stuff he's emailing...

"I'm really worried about you and Kayden, but I don't know how to talk to you about this. Par for the course, I guess."

I asked why he was worried about us.

"I don't know if I want to get into this. I need to think about it more before I say anything. There are a lot of bad feelings about this situation that are probably blurring my vision. I'm probably not giving you enough credit. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I'm no longer a father figure in Kayden's life.
Besides, I have no right to criticize or judge."

I replied: You are still a father figure in his life.

"No, I'm not. I'm more like one of those Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteers. It's more of a mentor role than a father figure. My job is to take him to Cub Scouts or bowling. That's it. I shouldn't complain. I'd much rather have this diminished role than the alternative of not seeing him. I shouldn't bother you with this stuff. Sorry. This is sick! You're the one discarding me (with good reason), yet you're the one I want to turn to talk about this stuff. It makes no sense."

He's feeling bad for himself and I think he really wants to attack my parenting abilities. I can see why he might think I'm slacking on my mom duties of late (I didn't have Kayden's cub scout shirt ironed, his room is a mess, I don't have time to play with him, he didn't get his homework done on time). But I'm going out on a limb to say that once the house is all packed and cleaned (and please remember that I'm packing up much of Josh's shit too), my mind will be better-equipped to remember this stuff.

That's what I'd really like to say to him. "Maybe if I wasn't stressed about trying to get rid of this fucking house on my own, I could focus on my kid a little better." I'll stay quiet, though.

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