January 2, 2008


So, I stayed at Kort's house all day Tuesday and finally went home around 5. When I got there, we talked a little more. He had talked to his sister and mom and, strange but not surprisingly, they said that this mirrors a lot of the issues they're dealing with in their own relationships.

He asked if he had to move out. I told him that we need to work on selling our house immediately. There is no point to him moving out until this happens. However, once we sell it, Kayden and I will be getting our own apartment. I made that very clear. Josh said, "So, we're like in a 'pre-separation'?" I thought about it and said, "Yeah, pretty much." He seemed much more, if not open, than accepting of the separation. He admitted that he would likely never change if he didn't have to, but he worries that even a separation might not make him change.

It went really well and neither of us cried this time. I told him I was going to stay at Kort's another night because I felt uncomfortable at home right then and I needed my support system. He seemed upset about that, saying he would sleep in Kayden's room. I told him that would be even more awkward and that I'd rather sleep at Kort's. We hugged and I left.

Now, here's where I'm at now. I don't really want anything to change. At this point, I want him to keep ignoring me and I keep my distance like we've been doing for months. But now I know he's going to try harder and take more offense when I choose to not be at home. I don't really know where to go from here. I've already put a call into our real estate agent. But is it shitty of me to keep staying at Kort's house while Kayden is gone? I feel like such a bitch, but I don't want to sit home and play lovey-dovey and act like we just had a fight that we're now going to work on resolving.

In a way, I wish I had somehow sold the house first and THEN told him, because then I could just move out and that's that. Instead, we're in this weird kind of foreign limbo.

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