January 10, 2008

I'm not ready to be an adult.

Josh just asked if he can be there when I tell Kayden the news. Luckily he asked by email because I groaned. I don't want to do the mature, adult thing and tell him together.

I wanted to tell him over ice cream and make it seem like a casual thing. I don't want to do this with Josh around and likely on the verge of crying.

I want to go back to junior high relationships where, once you break up, you're done and you never have to speak to the person again.

I don't even know what to tell Kayden about what is happening or why it's happening.

I want to make Josh happy. And I want Kayden to be happy and I really worry about whether Kayden will be happy about this. More and more, I feel like I'm being completely selfish and just ruining all these lives in the process.

Note to self: save marriage and other grown-up decisions until I am ready to handle the worst-case scenarios.

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