January 2, 2008

Ick. Ick. Ick.

Josh just sent this email:

My goal is to set up an appt. with a therapist by the end of the day. I'm trying to get some recs. from Susan right now.

I'd also like to start marriage counseling ASAP, or as soon as you're ready. How do you feel about that?

When does Kayden get back?

I'd like to cook dinner/talk/hang out with you. Are you free tonight or tomorrow night?

::grumble grumble:: What should I say? "I think you need to work on individual therapy prior to marriage counseling. Kayden comes back Saturday. And I don't think I'm quite ready to sit down and talk...I need a break."

I feel very confident and happy when I'm not around him or talking to him. But once we're together or emailing, I feel really sick and depressed. Sheesh. I REALLY wish we never bought a house, because I think it'll be much easier when I move out.


His response (broken up so he could respond to each part):

Kelli: I think it's great you are looking at therapy. Maybe it would be best if we met with individual therapists alone first and then when or if we feel like it, meet with one together.

Josh: OK. I can see the logic in that, though that "when or if" part disturbs me.

Kelli: I appreciate the effort to open up and talk to me, but I think I need some me-time right now. This has been a long time in coming. I really can't just sit down and work on this all at once right now. I think I know what is the best thing to do, but when we start talking about everything, I get all confused and start doubting myself...and I know that's not what I should be doing. Does that make sense?

Josh: Yeah. That makes sense. I definitely sensed your confusion last night. It sounds like you need to sever all contact for awhile.

I am going to find somewhere else to stay for the next couple of nights and look into a longer-term situation. Maybe you can write a summary of where you're at, what you need, and what you think the best course of action is. I feel like maybe you're holding back and not fully expressing to me how things are.

The following is meant to be constructive, and I hope it doesn't come-off as asshole-ish. I know Kortney has been very supportive and I think that's great. BUT, I hope you are also talking with people outside of the FAK community about your problems. Granted, I don't know squat about the people there, but Internet communities are not exactly the healthiest of places.

VERY ASSHOLE-ISH PORTION: I feel like a jerk for saying this and I'm not trying to diminish the seriousness of our situation, but I don't know if Kort is qualified to give any kind of relationship advice.


Kelli: I feel like I've been struggling and dealing with this for so long that I'm exhausted and I need a break. Only by doing that can I objectively assess the situation and decide what I want. I understand that you want to rush things: seeing a marriage counselor, talking out problems, reconnecting, if you will. But it's just too much, too fast, and I don't know if it would solve the problems in the long run.

I'm honestly not sure whether we have a chance to even fix the problems. If things could go back to the way they were in the beginning then sure, I'd love to stay together but a lot of time has passed and a lot of damage has been done. I've felt hurt for a really long time and that isn't going to disappear overnight, even though I sense that is what you are hoping to hear. Moreover, I think right now you are gung-ho about making all these changes, but they aren't for you. It's just a way to avoid a separation. And I don't think that will help you. If that's your goal, then what's to stop you from reverting back if things are resolved?

I think the best course of action is to sell the house and Kayden and I get an apartment. But until that happens, I don't know what the best course is.

I've actually talked about this quite a bit with my grandma and Susan, in addition to the FAKers. They both agree with me about separating. You might have a point about Kort, but I take all advice with a grain of salt. These feelings are coming from me and no one else.

You mentioned finding longer-term housing. What are you thinking?

I know it's completely stupid, but a small part of me is wondering if this is really the best option. It's not like Josh beats me or anything...it's just a very boring, passion-less, practically love-less marriage. Is that really worth all this trouble?


I just asked Josh via email if he was okay. He replied, "I'm not plotting any death scenarios, but if one more person asks me if I'm suicidal I'm probably gonna shoot myself." This made me laugh and cry at the same time.

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